About the book: "With authenticity, conviction, and a lively sense of humor, Jeannie guides parents on a transformative journey into raising wholehearted—not perfect—children, who live from the freedom found in being wholeheartedly loved (and liked!) by God."
Here's what Kathie Lee Gifford had to say about the just released Parenting the Wholehearted Child (with a forward by Elisabeth Hasselbeck who recently chatted about the book on the Rachael Ray Show): "Rarely do I ever find myself agreeing with everything I read in a book. But Parenting the Wholehearted Child is the book I wish I'd written. Jeannie has given parents a profound gift within its pages."
I'm so happy to introduce you to this lovely, wise mother and author (and old high school friend). Enjoy! -Heather
Here's what Kathie Lee Gifford had to say about the just released Parenting the Wholehearted Child (with a forward by Elisabeth Hasselbeck who recently chatted about the book on the Rachael Ray Show): "Rarely do I ever find myself agreeing with everything I read in a book. But Parenting the Wholehearted Child is the book I wish I'd written. Jeannie has given parents a profound gift within its pages."
I'm so happy to introduce you to this lovely, wise mother and author (and old high school friend). Enjoy! -Heather
First things first, how in the world did you find the time to write a book with 3 children (all boys!) under the age of 9?
It’s so funny that you ask that question because that was one of the fifteen reasons I gave God for not being able to write this book when I felt Him nudging me to start writing.
I told God how writing felt big and time consuming, and ultimately I felt unworthy, very unworthy. I asked God tough questions like, “Lord, how do I do this and do everything else? How do I continue to parent my children (the very thing that makes me feel the most alive), remain present in their lives AND write a book? You planted a passion in my heart for adoption- how does writing this book fit into that mission? Where do I even begin Lord?” And while I was pouring my heart out, these gentle words pierced the chaos swirling around in my head - “You say yes, you just say yes.” He was simply asking me to say yes, and trust Him with the rest.
I knew that writing this book would require sacrifice, and I asked God to make clear where He would have me push the “not now” button in my life. I had to remember that I wasn’t forever saying no to these things, I was just saying “not now.” God showed me areas where I would have to push the pause button in order to not sacrifice my sanity or my cherished time with my family.
As I look back over the writing and publishing process of this book, I can see how incredibly gracious my family was with me. My husband was so supportive, so generous, so understanding, so loving. When I needed to sneak away for 4 hours on a weekend to write, he always said “go for it honey.” I never could have written this book without him.
And ultimately, I think what really made it possible was that God often made minutes feels like hours. The words were pouring out faster than I could type. Never before had I been so reliant on the Holy Spirit to guide me because the only words I wanted on the pages of this book were words inspired by the Holy Spirit.
What did you think you would never ever do as a mother - but now do?
I never thought I’d feel so free to say to my kids "Mommy is so sorry. I am not who I want to be today. I want to do this differently, and I need Jesus to help me. Please forgive me.”
I used to carry so much shame over my parenting mistakes. If I lost my temper, said the wrong thing, or wasn’t 100% available to them, I felt so much guilt. I was trying so hard to be perfect for them. But as God began to invade and arrest my heart with the knowledge and experience of His grace for me in all of my sin and imperfection, I was set free to confess my weaknesses to my kids and seek their forgiveness. Knowing Jesus loves me just as I am and accepts me in all of my imperfect parenting frees me to love my kids just as they are, in all of their imperfection, too! And God is melting us and molding us into His image through His grace, not through my tireless effort. Now I find so much freedom in saying, “Don’t look at mommy for your perfect example, look to Jesus. As much I love you with every piece of my being, I am human and I will let you down but Jesus never, ever will.”
In your book, Parenting the Wholehearted Child, you write this about the importance of extravagant grace:
“See, I used to think that my primary role as a parent was to model Christlike character for our kids, and when I failed, I would beat myself up. But the more I grow in my understanding of grace and the unconditional love of Christ for me, the more I realize that while Christlike living is important, it is even more important that I be authentic about my trust in and need for Jesus.”
Why is this concept so important for parents to embrace as they consider the heart of their child?
When I’m honest about my need for and trust in Jesus it gives my kids permission to also be honest about their weaknesses and sin and need for and trust in Jesus. We come before Christ side-by-side and ask for His Spirit to continue to live in us and through us to produce the fruit of God’s love in our lives.
When we do this, my kids are set free from having to perform for me, to pretend like they have it all together, to get it right all of the time. Even better, they know they cannot make God love them less through their good behavior and they can’t make God love them more through their good behavior. He died for us while we were still sinners, not after we cleaned ourselves up and repented. (Romans 5:8) And the cool thing is, knowing this wild grace is what actually melts our hearts and inspires repentance and holy living.
I’ve seen God’s grace so beautifully displayed in my children’s lives by their willingness to seek forgiveness from one another, and their desire to be reconciled with one another. There is no shame in confessing our wrongs because we know we have a Savior who loves sinners and is eager to forgive us and mold us into His image.
You lost your home to Hurricane Sandy. What did your children teach you about resilience and hope in that situation?
Oh my. Where do I even begin? I know I’ve gotten a lot of things wrong but what our experience in Hurricane Sandy taught me was that we’ve done a good job teaching our boys that tangible things will come and go but the love between us is steadfast. As long as we were together, they were happy. For five months we lived in friend’s basements, guest rooms, and guest houses, and our kids just rolled with it. Though they grieved the loss and were often very reminiscent of what life was like in our old home, they weren't worried about tomorrow. They were thankful, and they fully trusted Mike and me to provide for them. Their trust in us inspired me to trust even more in Jesus- I often thought of the verse “So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask Him?” (Matthew 7:10-12)
Have your kids ever looked at you like “Who is this crazy woman?” And if so, why?
Oh yes, when I sing too loud to Chris Tomlin songs and raise my hands in worship while I’m cooking breakfast, they look at me like I’m nuts. I’ve convinced myself they actually love it, but it’s cool to pretend mom’s a dork.
But to share a more painful story - I remember times during my days of perfectionist parenting when Cal, in particular, would have tears in his eyes when I would come down on him too hard. It still breaks my heart (eyes filling with tears even now) to think about the pressure I put on that precious boy at such a young age to be a perfectly obedient child (only because I was putting so much pressure on myself to be a perfectly obedient child of God - we can’t give grace when we aren’t receiving it ourselves!) I know those days are covered in the forgiveness of Christ and Cal knows now that he is loved unconditionally, but if I can help another mom who is just in the very beginning of her journey, I share this story in hopes that it will inspire a more grace-full approach, even in the earliest days of parenting.
How can we protect our children’s hearts and minds in the midst of things like cyber-bullying, wayward teen pop-stars and the exclusion of faith from schools?
I think the answer to this is just as relevant for a six-year old learning he didn’t make the cut for the soccer team he was praying he would make, as it is for teens facing cyber-bullying, and as it is for defeated moms competing for perfect parent of the year award.
If we try to define ourselves as anything other than “radically accepted and beloved child of God” we will despair. When we look to anyone or anything else to affirm our worth, our value, or our significance we will despair.
Only when we remember that the creator of the universe loved us enough to send His one and only Son to be crushed for every single thing we would ever get wrong, will we realize our true worth, value, and significance.
When the world tells you that you aren’t good enough (to play on the 6 year old soccer team, to sit at the cool table at lunch, or to be invited to the luncheon with all the other “perfect moms”) you must remember that the only one who gets to define you is the one who created you and knows every hair on your head and every thought in your heart, and he calls you “perfectly and wonderfully made” (psalm 139). Nobody else has the authority to define you. Jesus alone holds the authority and he calls you “fully known, fully accepted, and fully loved child of the Most High King.”
When we allow that grace to burn into our hearts, we will stop trying to prove our worth and value and we will live fully in the freedom Christ purchased for us on cross. We must ground our children’s identity in Christ by teaching them what He did to prove His love for them.
Fast forward: What do you want to overhear your 16 year old telling his friends about his mom?
That she loves Jesus more than anything else and he thinks that's pretty cool. And that he’s always known, on his best and worst days, how very (very!) proud I am of him.
Just as Jesus delights wildly in being our Heavenly Father, I want them to know how much I delight in being their mom.
It’s so funny that you ask that question because that was one of the fifteen reasons I gave God for not being able to write this book when I felt Him nudging me to start writing.
I told God how writing felt big and time consuming, and ultimately I felt unworthy, very unworthy. I asked God tough questions like, “Lord, how do I do this and do everything else? How do I continue to parent my children (the very thing that makes me feel the most alive), remain present in their lives AND write a book? You planted a passion in my heart for adoption- how does writing this book fit into that mission? Where do I even begin Lord?” And while I was pouring my heart out, these gentle words pierced the chaos swirling around in my head - “You say yes, you just say yes.” He was simply asking me to say yes, and trust Him with the rest.
I knew that writing this book would require sacrifice, and I asked God to make clear where He would have me push the “not now” button in my life. I had to remember that I wasn’t forever saying no to these things, I was just saying “not now.” God showed me areas where I would have to push the pause button in order to not sacrifice my sanity or my cherished time with my family.
As I look back over the writing and publishing process of this book, I can see how incredibly gracious my family was with me. My husband was so supportive, so generous, so understanding, so loving. When I needed to sneak away for 4 hours on a weekend to write, he always said “go for it honey.” I never could have written this book without him.
And ultimately, I think what really made it possible was that God often made minutes feels like hours. The words were pouring out faster than I could type. Never before had I been so reliant on the Holy Spirit to guide me because the only words I wanted on the pages of this book were words inspired by the Holy Spirit.
What did you think you would never ever do as a mother - but now do?
I never thought I’d feel so free to say to my kids "Mommy is so sorry. I am not who I want to be today. I want to do this differently, and I need Jesus to help me. Please forgive me.”
I used to carry so much shame over my parenting mistakes. If I lost my temper, said the wrong thing, or wasn’t 100% available to them, I felt so much guilt. I was trying so hard to be perfect for them. But as God began to invade and arrest my heart with the knowledge and experience of His grace for me in all of my sin and imperfection, I was set free to confess my weaknesses to my kids and seek their forgiveness. Knowing Jesus loves me just as I am and accepts me in all of my imperfect parenting frees me to love my kids just as they are, in all of their imperfection, too! And God is melting us and molding us into His image through His grace, not through my tireless effort. Now I find so much freedom in saying, “Don’t look at mommy for your perfect example, look to Jesus. As much I love you with every piece of my being, I am human and I will let you down but Jesus never, ever will.”
In your book, Parenting the Wholehearted Child, you write this about the importance of extravagant grace:
“See, I used to think that my primary role as a parent was to model Christlike character for our kids, and when I failed, I would beat myself up. But the more I grow in my understanding of grace and the unconditional love of Christ for me, the more I realize that while Christlike living is important, it is even more important that I be authentic about my trust in and need for Jesus.”
Why is this concept so important for parents to embrace as they consider the heart of their child?
When I’m honest about my need for and trust in Jesus it gives my kids permission to also be honest about their weaknesses and sin and need for and trust in Jesus. We come before Christ side-by-side and ask for His Spirit to continue to live in us and through us to produce the fruit of God’s love in our lives.
When we do this, my kids are set free from having to perform for me, to pretend like they have it all together, to get it right all of the time. Even better, they know they cannot make God love them less through their good behavior and they can’t make God love them more through their good behavior. He died for us while we were still sinners, not after we cleaned ourselves up and repented. (Romans 5:8) And the cool thing is, knowing this wild grace is what actually melts our hearts and inspires repentance and holy living.
I’ve seen God’s grace so beautifully displayed in my children’s lives by their willingness to seek forgiveness from one another, and their desire to be reconciled with one another. There is no shame in confessing our wrongs because we know we have a Savior who loves sinners and is eager to forgive us and mold us into His image.
You lost your home to Hurricane Sandy. What did your children teach you about resilience and hope in that situation?
Oh my. Where do I even begin? I know I’ve gotten a lot of things wrong but what our experience in Hurricane Sandy taught me was that we’ve done a good job teaching our boys that tangible things will come and go but the love between us is steadfast. As long as we were together, they were happy. For five months we lived in friend’s basements, guest rooms, and guest houses, and our kids just rolled with it. Though they grieved the loss and were often very reminiscent of what life was like in our old home, they weren't worried about tomorrow. They were thankful, and they fully trusted Mike and me to provide for them. Their trust in us inspired me to trust even more in Jesus- I often thought of the verse “So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask Him?” (Matthew 7:10-12)
Have your kids ever looked at you like “Who is this crazy woman?” And if so, why?
Oh yes, when I sing too loud to Chris Tomlin songs and raise my hands in worship while I’m cooking breakfast, they look at me like I’m nuts. I’ve convinced myself they actually love it, but it’s cool to pretend mom’s a dork.
But to share a more painful story - I remember times during my days of perfectionist parenting when Cal, in particular, would have tears in his eyes when I would come down on him too hard. It still breaks my heart (eyes filling with tears even now) to think about the pressure I put on that precious boy at such a young age to be a perfectly obedient child (only because I was putting so much pressure on myself to be a perfectly obedient child of God - we can’t give grace when we aren’t receiving it ourselves!) I know those days are covered in the forgiveness of Christ and Cal knows now that he is loved unconditionally, but if I can help another mom who is just in the very beginning of her journey, I share this story in hopes that it will inspire a more grace-full approach, even in the earliest days of parenting.
How can we protect our children’s hearts and minds in the midst of things like cyber-bullying, wayward teen pop-stars and the exclusion of faith from schools?
I think the answer to this is just as relevant for a six-year old learning he didn’t make the cut for the soccer team he was praying he would make, as it is for teens facing cyber-bullying, and as it is for defeated moms competing for perfect parent of the year award.
If we try to define ourselves as anything other than “radically accepted and beloved child of God” we will despair. When we look to anyone or anything else to affirm our worth, our value, or our significance we will despair.
Only when we remember that the creator of the universe loved us enough to send His one and only Son to be crushed for every single thing we would ever get wrong, will we realize our true worth, value, and significance.
When the world tells you that you aren’t good enough (to play on the 6 year old soccer team, to sit at the cool table at lunch, or to be invited to the luncheon with all the other “perfect moms”) you must remember that the only one who gets to define you is the one who created you and knows every hair on your head and every thought in your heart, and he calls you “perfectly and wonderfully made” (psalm 139). Nobody else has the authority to define you. Jesus alone holds the authority and he calls you “fully known, fully accepted, and fully loved child of the Most High King.”
When we allow that grace to burn into our hearts, we will stop trying to prove our worth and value and we will live fully in the freedom Christ purchased for us on cross. We must ground our children’s identity in Christ by teaching them what He did to prove His love for them.
Fast forward: What do you want to overhear your 16 year old telling his friends about his mom?
That she loves Jesus more than anything else and he thinks that's pretty cool. And that he’s always known, on his best and worst days, how very (very!) proud I am of him.
Just as Jesus delights wildly in being our Heavenly Father, I want them to know how much I delight in being their mom.
Jeannie holds Master’s degree in Social Work, and her professional background combines counseling, writing, and extensive speaking about parenting and adoption issues for organizations such as Bethany Christian Services and the National Council for Adoption. She also serves as the Council Co-Chairman at Trinity Church in Greenwich, CT, where she enjoys leading various parenting courses and Bible studies when not cheering on her boys at one of their sporting events. www.jeanniecunnion.com
