I was having a severe case of the bad attitudes. You know, the deep sighs and huffs, the puffs and manic cleaning. The silence and nighttime back turning from the one I supposedly love the most. Oh, it was u-g-l-y! And It all had to do with having to make a choice to stay home for our anniversary instead of flying off to some foreign soil, (or even a local bed and breakfast). Why can't we just have enough to spend lavishly and do whatever we want? I was frustrated that we had to make a decision about it, have a conversation about the wise thing to do. Sometimes I hate wise decisions. My husband is amazing with the money he brings in, the provision and the allotment, the wisdom and foresight. I'm the one with the crappy attitude.
It was keeping me awake at night, my dissatisfied mind. Those night hours when my mind is my own once again, when there's no more pleas for food or cries for justice. I am married to an amazing man, we have a beautiful life together, four healthy children and a precious home, we have food in our fridge and new clothes on our backs, the list goes on and on. We live a charmed life really. And yet, I had the audacity to allow myself to get all worked up about not going AWAY for our anniversary. Give me a break. For real.
I found myself having thoughts of resentment and jealously toward those friends of mine that gallivant around the world. My friends that instagram their vacation pictures all week long. All those glorious sunsets and buffets and crystal clear water. There needed to be a shifting of my mindset from something I think I deserved, to gratitude for what's at my hand.
We deserved something better then staying home all weekend, right? Our marriage celebration is worth more then sending the kids off for two days and nights. We're entitled to something grandiose, after all, we've been married nine years, (says this American brat).
When I met my husband for the first time outside that Tampa airport I never knew what adventure lie ahead. This tall handsome man loaded my suitcases into the back of the van and off we went. I knew from our first day meeting that this was the kind of man I wanted to be with for forever. We spent our first week together on the beaches of Clearwater, Florida. We would jet ski and picnic and talk about any and everything. Our parents standing on the waters edge wondering about what was to come of their children.
In those beginning days just being together was our gift.
Apparently I had lost sight of that because my joy was no longer about my husband, but instead it was about what we did and where we went. My longing for experiences trumped the reason we were celebrating. Could I be happy with just him and I and a hot chocolate?
The simplicity of togetherness. And so that night, as I lay in bed next to his heavy breathing and twitching body I was reminded of a quote by D.H. Lawrence that hung by my bedside during our dating years, I type it from memory: "To be content in bliss, without desire or insistence anywhere. This was heaven, to be together in happy stillness."
And then the stupidity of my fit-throwing came into focus. How foolish I was to think that somehow is was less than because we decided to stay home and save a couple hundred dollars. So once I got over myself I started to actually get excited about the fact that we'd be staying home, alone, together. We took our children to my sisters home, came back and got all dolled up. We ate at a local restaurant called Gibraltar's. Our waitress ended up being my cousin's daughter so we were treated with some extra special kindness! Afterward we went to see a movie and came home to a still, quiet and childless home. We slept in and I had an in home massage, topped off with rolling off the massage table and right into my bed for a mid-morning nap! We explored some local small towns, the ones we always drive through, but rarely visit. We ate lunch here and once again knew our waiter, (whom we had known since he was a little boy), he was the bartender there and treated us like a King and Queen! We ended our day at a charming coffee shop drinking what I imagined to be the best cup of hot chocolate I ever tasted. We played games and read magazines by the tiny corner table. The rain started to fall outside the open screen door so we scooted our chairs a little closer to hear the cozy sound. We were together and that was enough.
"And I'd crawl inside a cave
or live somewhere strange
As long as I'm with you
I have got what I need."
~Angus & Julia Stone~
It was keeping me awake at night, my dissatisfied mind. Those night hours when my mind is my own once again, when there's no more pleas for food or cries for justice. I am married to an amazing man, we have a beautiful life together, four healthy children and a precious home, we have food in our fridge and new clothes on our backs, the list goes on and on. We live a charmed life really. And yet, I had the audacity to allow myself to get all worked up about not going AWAY for our anniversary. Give me a break. For real.
I found myself having thoughts of resentment and jealously toward those friends of mine that gallivant around the world. My friends that instagram their vacation pictures all week long. All those glorious sunsets and buffets and crystal clear water. There needed to be a shifting of my mindset from something I think I deserved, to gratitude for what's at my hand.
We deserved something better then staying home all weekend, right? Our marriage celebration is worth more then sending the kids off for two days and nights. We're entitled to something grandiose, after all, we've been married nine years, (says this American brat).
When I met my husband for the first time outside that Tampa airport I never knew what adventure lie ahead. This tall handsome man loaded my suitcases into the back of the van and off we went. I knew from our first day meeting that this was the kind of man I wanted to be with for forever. We spent our first week together on the beaches of Clearwater, Florida. We would jet ski and picnic and talk about any and everything. Our parents standing on the waters edge wondering about what was to come of their children.
In those beginning days just being together was our gift.
Apparently I had lost sight of that because my joy was no longer about my husband, but instead it was about what we did and where we went. My longing for experiences trumped the reason we were celebrating. Could I be happy with just him and I and a hot chocolate?
The simplicity of togetherness. And so that night, as I lay in bed next to his heavy breathing and twitching body I was reminded of a quote by D.H. Lawrence that hung by my bedside during our dating years, I type it from memory: "To be content in bliss, without desire or insistence anywhere. This was heaven, to be together in happy stillness."
And then the stupidity of my fit-throwing came into focus. How foolish I was to think that somehow is was less than because we decided to stay home and save a couple hundred dollars. So once I got over myself I started to actually get excited about the fact that we'd be staying home, alone, together. We took our children to my sisters home, came back and got all dolled up. We ate at a local restaurant called Gibraltar's. Our waitress ended up being my cousin's daughter so we were treated with some extra special kindness! Afterward we went to see a movie and came home to a still, quiet and childless home. We slept in and I had an in home massage, topped off with rolling off the massage table and right into my bed for a mid-morning nap! We explored some local small towns, the ones we always drive through, but rarely visit. We ate lunch here and once again knew our waiter, (whom we had known since he was a little boy), he was the bartender there and treated us like a King and Queen! We ended our day at a charming coffee shop drinking what I imagined to be the best cup of hot chocolate I ever tasted. We played games and read magazines by the tiny corner table. The rain started to fall outside the open screen door so we scooted our chairs a little closer to hear the cozy sound. We were together and that was enough.
"And I'd crawl inside a cave
or live somewhere strange
As long as I'm with you
I have got what I need."
~Angus & Julia Stone~