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Dropping the ball

4/6/2013

15 Comments

 
Picture
I could feel the rivets of sweat running between my shoulder blades in the bitterly cold morning air as I threw my purse in the front seat and a pair of muddy cowboy boots in the back floor of the van that was being prepped for take-off. Just ten minutes before I had bid a breathless farewell to two kindergartners, sending them down the street to their crossing guard with snacks they didn’t like and mismatched gloves that were too small.  I don’t recall now where exactly the rest of us were going, but wherever it was, we had to be there by nine and it was my desire to resemble functioning members of society upon our arrival. I had already wrestled one ornery three year old twin into his car seat straps (hence the sweat) and was about to go fetch the other who was hiding under the cushions on the couch with the socks I had barked at him to put on laying untouched on the floor. As always, I had saved the most “spirited” child, my four year old for last.

The two boys were loudly proclaiming their displeasure of being contained, their bare feet and arms flailing wildly. As I went to call the third member of our crew for a final boarding call, out she came in her third outfit change of the morning and this time it was her swimsuit-- from two years ago. I got a phantom wedgie just looking at her severely ensconced nether regions. It added to the growing discomfort and escalating blood pressure from getting three young children who barely come to my waist out the door for a simple excursion. With a string of words coursing through my head that would make a sailor blush, I made my 20th trip of the morning up the stairs to the bedroom where I found all the contents of the girl’s dresser drawers strewn over the beds and floors. I picked through for a Hello Kitty ensemble as an acceptable swimwear alternative and ran back down only to find that the beach babe had found a full bag of Goldfish and distributed the contents to the angry boys who were using them as ammo in their continued rebellious demonstration. 
 
It was as my feet were crunching over the discarded fish shells to reach the swim suit clad child, as the rivets of sweat had grown into a rushing gorge and as the tone of my voiced morphed into the ugly pitch used by that harried mom-losing-it-on-her-child-in-aisle-five I had given my best judgmental hairy eyeball to recently…it was in the middle of it all that a decision was made. I decided to drop the ball called "Preschool" for my darling middle child that I been tossing around the idea of for the past few weeks. Come September, I concluded it would be best to hold onto my sanity in the mornings for the sake of my children so they can remember a less harried, more happy mother. Even with the carpooling that was offered, it was all still more "fuss" than I feeling willing to add to the flurry of early mornings and afternoons. Clearly, getting the van out of park without losing my mind was a challenge.

Most of my good friends can handle preschool or Little League or whatever else they carefully choose for their families. They don't brag about all they do, they simply do what works for them and I admire them for it. I am also learning to refrain from thinking less of myself for not being able to keep a full schedule, or to assume my children are at a disadvantage because of it. I simply cannot juggle too many things at once without turning into something that children would want to run from, not to. In my scenario, with having five children in such a quick span of time, I had no opportunity to even attempt balancing anything but survival in those early days. While they are a little older and out of diapers now, my desire to start moving the clan outward and onward lays relatively dormant. I've heard (from multiple sources) they grow up fast, so while they're home and still like being home, call me crazy but there's really no place else I would rather spend my weeknights than right here (ok, MAYBE with the exception of a Tahitian thatched hut on the water with my husband).

Sometimes, I try to add something new to my simple pattern of living. Those are usually the weeks where the sun is shining brightly, the planets have aligned and I drink untold amounts of highly caffeinated coffee. Take half-day kindergarten play dates for example. When you go to morning kindergarten as two of mine do, it is a daily occurrence to have them hop in the van and immediately begin begging me to have a friend from school come home with us because, as you know, EVERYONE else does it. So, for a few weeks, I allowed one or two to come over once in a while. The friends of our children are magnificent, but bringing a new face into our domestic mix creates quite the stir, for the little siblings want in on the cool friend from school action and the older ones implore me to abolish them to our dirt basement until the friend leaves. This scenario grew increasingly more stressful to where I wanted to abolish myself to the basement until 2019 (with a hefty vat of moonshine to boot). I kept making myself have these play dates because I love my children's adorable friends, but I finally had to drop the play date ball and let it go for a little...at least until the weather gets warm enough for outside play and my nervous tick starts to subside.

There are those unexpected "balls" that we are thrown that we never asked for, can't toss back or drop down and we pray to God that He'll give us the stamina to keep going. There are those times that we clearly sense what God is asking us to do, and we know it will require a whole new level of concentration and leaning in on Him (and others!) for support, but we do it anyway because we know it is to be part of our story. There are far more of those little balls of "busy stuff" we voluntarily cram into our schedules that we keep juggling even when we start to see negative effects on ourselves and our families. Contrary to the standard way of doing things, we CAN gently drop them at will. No coach, sense of team spirit, pastor, community group or guilt squad should ever hold power over what God is nudging us to give up for the good of clearing up our time so we can refocus or be still enough to hear what HE wants of our time.

There are times we need to allow ourselves to slow down, even with the most seemingly worthwhile efforts.  Yesterday I was on the phone with an amazing lady who heads up the children's ministry at our church. In the course of conversation, she asked me how I had time for my community even in the midst of my busy life at home. I cringed as she said it, because in the past few months I have receded from being as engaged as I was at one point (although loosely even then) with a great organization in our school district. I told her that while her assumptions were kind, and even as I would love to do more for the hurting who live in my zip code, lately the best efforts I have been able give my community is work at raising respectful, brave and loving future citizens. That's it. No Meals on Wheels, helping serve meals at retirement villages or volunteering at the food bank. It's all I can do to make it to bedtime most days. I cannot wait to do more, but at this moment my energies are in high demand in the homestead and need to be reserved for community development in my own house.  That ball called "service" not be in as consistent use as I would prefer during this season, but on those occasions where God leads and prompts me to pick it up and bring it back into the rotation, even if just for a little, I will and gladly. 

I wish I would be less preoccupied with how much can be juggled, but more aware of what I allow to fill up and have power in my daily life. Its a mindset I am working towards.


You might not be a parent, but the plate of your life is as full as mine, just in a different way.  I'm sure you can feel that "well-she-doesn't-have-children-so-she-should-have-plenty-of-time" guilt that is put upon you (perceived or real) to accept more responsibilities. You might have one child whose needs and energy is equivalent of three. It simply doesn't matter what the landscape of your life looks like. What anyone accepts into the rotation of daily living is a personal decision between themselves and God. While we can expect there will be those times God allows a whole lot more than you think manageable, He also has your back when you need to drop a few balls--even the ones that seem so wholesome and selfless--out of your rotation and hunker down to focus on sorting through what (or who) is most important...even if it means your van never leaves the driveway.

15 Comments
Kimmie
4/5/2013 10:19:30 pm

Each Saturday morning, my new routine is to grab my IPad and eagerly wait for the 7:30 am ding that tells me my weekly issue has arrived! Your posts take me back to the time when my kids were small, and you were the one helping me corral my 5 wild little ones. ;). Keep them coming sista!

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Donna
4/5/2013 11:42:31 pm

Wonderful article! I'm sitting down now to consider my calendar and what is on it purely because I "should" do it!
You've given a gift today through sharing your real life!

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Jeane` link
4/8/2013 04:31:19 am

Thank you so much, Donna. I was up until 3am writing out these thoughts and felt they came across in a very foggy way. Glad you were able to decipher my intent! :)

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Tiffany Wynn
4/6/2013 02:15:26 am

I knew I was going to love this article. I have mommy guilt all the time because I feel like I should be more involved in ministry or allow my big kids to be more involved with extra stuff. However, our current plate in life is already so full I know my sanity cannot handle more than just running our home. I have 5 kiddos (ages 10, 5, 2, 1, and 4 months) and my husband is currently working full time while attending school full time. It was a breath of fresh air to be reminded one, I am not alone, and two, God should dictate what is on my plate. Thanks for sharing your heart.

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Jeane` link
4/8/2013 04:33:53 am

Tiffany...I so appreciate you taking time to leave your thoughts at my "door"! From the sounds of it, you have MORE than enough to keep you busy at home alone!!! Breath in the freedom to focus on the home front and remember you are not alone!!!

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sarahlenora@hotmail.com
4/7/2013 10:53:41 am

Dear Jeane,

Oh my...I'm not alone! Whether it is because I'm from a more laid-back state (Montana) or because I was a missionary in very-laid-back Chile for six years, I just don't see how the moms around here keep their sanity on their rigorous schedules. I start to feel "boxed-in" when I have three things written on my calendar in one week. I am willing to let each of my three children pursue an interest, but not one that consumes our entire family's life together (i.e., no five nights of soccer plus games on weekends). I'm more thinking one night a week. And then I'm told that they'll never advance that way.

Advance to where? I want them to advance in childhood, helping me shape cookies, playing with sticks, letting a bit of boredom open up their creative reserves, I want them with time to ponder stuff, and most of all, I want their mom to be joyful, not harried and harassed by the clock and the things that sit on the hours, immovable.

Sometimes I feel fear creep up my throat, like I can feel their budding potentials seeping right out the holes in their socks. Usually this is prompted by seeing another mom balancing cub scouts with tennis lessons with french classes, all while making sure her kids are attending sports camps ad nauseum. I feel on the outside of the fast track where the successful people go to meet their bright futures. And it's my fault apparently; because I won't give up meals together and wide open weekends and long walks just because.

But doesn't God use variety? Yes, the fast-trackers, the multitaskers, the doers, the movers, the shakers, and the slower, more contemplative life-livers? He has purposes and plans for His variety of kids, and if He has led these little ones to be mine I must trust that He can make what He wants out of them, to His glory.

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Jeane` link
4/8/2013 04:49:53 am

Oh beautifully worded Sarah...
I hope you received my email by now, but if now, please know you have encouraged my heart so greatly! I wish you would have written this piece FOR me. The last paragraph you wrote is my favorite. Would you mind if I shared that on the Neighborlies FB page?

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Sarah Gingrich
4/8/2013 06:19:32 am

I did receive your email (or rather, fished it out of the den of junk mail where unfamiliar addresses go). Isn't it strange how we are encouraged by corresponding trials and weak bits in another sister? Must be why transparency is above all, a healthy way to live. A saying I keep at the forefront of my heart is this "Esse quam videri" (To be, rather than to appear). Because I find God in the being and only my lonely ego in the appearing (well, and exhaustion). I raise my cup to you with an unhurried hand and I smile.

Sarah Gingrich
4/8/2013 06:21:56 am

Typical that I'd forget to answer a question...har har! Yes, feel free to share. :)

Courtney link
5/2/2013 07:30:15 am

Jeane', this post (and Sarah, your comment) have touched that guilt lump in my stomach. Sarah, my family and I recently returned from missions work in Uganda for six years, and I'm already losing sleep over the pressure of it all. It doesn't help that I'm an idealist, so everything I read that REALLY TRULY sounds good to me becomes my new standard. Obviously I can't keep up with them all. Add Slow-Paced, Ultimate Non-Multitasker and Thinker (not Doer!) to the list, and it seems I'm "doomed"! Yet somehow I ended up with 4 amazing children, and I know that was no mistake on God's part. Though I do wonder sometimes... :)
Anyway, thank you both for encouragement today. It's time to push away the "shoulds" and allow life to flow naturally and unhindered by guilt.

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Jeane`
5/2/2013 03:26:37 pm

Oh beautiful Courtney...
I am so so thankful that our words brought rest to your heart and clarity to the nudge that was telling you to push away those nasty "shoulds". Thank you for sharing a bit of your story and perspective. It sounds to me as though you are going through a HUGE cultural shift while continuing to mother four children. I admire your resolve to let it go, especially since your personality would incline you to strive for more.
I appreciate your part in this conversation!
Stop by again, Courtney...so glad dropped by.
Warmly,
Jeane`

Judy
4/7/2013 08:48:17 pm

I am surprised dear daughter, that you don't drop the ball more than you do. I am on the sidelines observing, helping, praying, and admiring the huge role in which you have now found yourself. I think to myself, it is never what I would have predicted for your pretty little self, but it is the role God has placed you in, and I thank Him every single day. I thank him for you, the wonderful husband He has blessed you with, and the dear ones that He has placed in your care. Thank you for the way you opened your heart in this post, and thank you for picking up the ball and carrying it as you do. Keep pressing on. It will be worth it!

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Jeane link
4/8/2013 06:59:44 am

I love you, oh mother of mine who is very encouraging and so supportive (and you've seen a lot more than most!). Thank you!!!

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Kathleen link
4/8/2013 11:01:32 am

Jeane, Preschool is overrated, in my humble opinion. :-) And trying to get anywhere by 9 am with children in tow seems very much like running some sort of marathon. Good for you for choosing your own schedule (as much as possible) instead of trying to keep up with the Joneses!

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Sara
5/3/2013 10:29:46 pm

Great piece Jenae...
Love seeing how the Lord is using your gift is this manner. I too can't wait for Saturday morning and my coffee and Neighborlies.

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    Jeane'

    Picture
     I am Jeane', a woman who loves her Isotoners padded, coffee hot and favorite jeans ripped (only because I've got zero tattoos and a desire to be a tiny bit edgy). 
    You are in the company of one woman who desires to attach no label to herself except those of "imperfect" and "perfectly loved by God". That's it.
    By spending a little bit of time here at my online address, you will come to find that I am married, I am a stepmom to one, and birth mama to eight...three of whom went straight from the womb to happily residing in Heaven, five of whom live loudly & loved here with us. I am perched precariously on the slippery edge of sanity most days and even so, am grateful for this life in all of them. I am not here to tell you what to do, or how to do it because there is just so much I simply do not know. I am here because I love to write and it is far cheaper than therapy. Pour yourself a cup of whatever makes your heart happy, if you like, and enjoy a sip of real life with me.

    thecoffeecottage.blogspot.com
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