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Jinxing Jesus: Musings from a Die-Hard Control Freak

10/18/2013

11 Comments

 
My heart palpitations gained in speed, racing the raindrops pelting urgently against the glass of my laundry room window. Multiple sirens from all directions were wailing in frenzied discord, hurrying to a point of emergency somewhere in the distance on this moonless night. With a shaky hand, I pressed “call” again and again until the sound of his recorded voice in it’s professional tone instructed me to leave a message, my heart sinking further as I reflected that this was the only way I would ever hear his voice again. “So this is what it looks like…”, I thought with watery eyes, I waited for the lone police cruiser to pull in the driveway, “the beginning of my widowhood”.  I could almost see the EMT workers eyeing my dearly departed’s ringing phone strewn on the highway pavement, alit by my picture on the screen, as they cast saddened, knowing glances at each other as call after call came in.

My throat constricted as I thought about the children slumbering unknowingly in their beds and wondered how I would tell them the next morning. I envisioned us all at the front of the mega-church auditorium we had would have to rent out a few days from this moment, wondering if I had an appropriate dress on hand and if I would have the wherewithal to deliver a tribute in the tender hours of this great loss.  As tears were streaming down my face while mentally rehearsing the rough draft of my heartfelt widow’s speech, the back door opened and just like Lazarus, the man who I had been sure was securely in the clutches of death (or at the very least, the Jaws of Life), walked through the threshold, soaking wet and very much alive.

“YOU’RE ALIVE!!!!!”, I exclaimed in a thick voice full of immense
relief,  tinged with a trace of accusation. The man appeared confused... and wet. With every drip of water that fell from his rain slicker onto the floor, I felt my anger building. “Do you not know what hell you have put me through?!?!?! WHY DIDN’T YOU ANSWER YOU PHONE?!?”

He threw me a bewildered look as he reached in his pocket for his phone, that he later showed me was (safely) on silent during the monsoon he was navigating his small truck through.

“48 missed calls. Seriously?" he exclaimed as he examined his phone that had silently imploded with incoming calls from a would-be widow. "48 calls within 15 minutes. Woman. You need help. I was only 20 minutes late!”

From there, it only went downhill. I would like to say this was a stand-alone scenario, stirred-up by an irrational pack of post-childbearing hormones gone wild, but the truth is I emerged from the womb watching and waiting for life’s most tragic events to unfold before my very eyes. In the first grade, I visited the school nurse with shortness of breath every single day for weeks certain that I, at the tender age of six, was living on borrowed time after hearing of an elderly woman who had simply laid back on her chair and stopped breathing. When I was fourteen I had a dream in which I barely survived being hit by a truck.  The week after I woke up from it, my church announced the pending installation of a new handicap bathroom. This left no doubt that my years of youthful mobility where nigh to their end and from then on, I lived in expectancy of a truck out of nowhere and a wheelchair to scoop up my mangled frame in it’s wake. After becoming a mother, when reading bleakness between the lines of the news, one of my reactions has been making a mental note to check on Craig's List for any available rental properties in northern New Zealand, preferably one carved (deeply) into a mountain. My dramatic tendencies have aged right along with me.

For those of you who are rolling your eyes, aghast at my ridiculousness and for those (fewer) of you who know exactly of what I write, hold tight: It gets even worse.

I used to think this bent towards the dramatic was simply a negative offshoot from my over-achieving imagination. Coming from a deeply Christian tradition, the reminder to take my thoughts captive, hand them over to God and go on with living the life in front of me has always been the Divine weight I turn to when mental balance is required. I do not disagree with this advice. It’s just that I now see it is not simply a matter of reigning in an imagination gone wild and asking God to tame it, but rather acknowledging that this constant anticipation (and expectation) of scenarios that are not my present reality are ways in which I try to outwit God and maintain control over what could be by being "prepared" for it. To put it plainly:

I perpetually try to jinx Jesus in attempt to freakishly control that which I
cannot, the things that I  fear.

According to the dictionary, to "jinx" is to "to destroy the point of". In the days of my youth, to punctuate a sentence with this weirdo four-letter word was to usurp the power and cancel the punch of it's meaning. THIS, my friends, is what my imagination often defaults to when confronted with the fear of the unknown. "If I've already come up with this horrible scenario, and am taking proactive steps with which to deal with it (some might call this "preparedness"), surely God will chose not to use my idea and will have to come up with something else." If that's not enough, I'll call my fellow jinx -happy friend and we'll "cancel" out the impending tragedy by speaking it aloud to the other. How MESSED UP is that? Pretty darn, I'd say.

This is not to say I have never walked through a messy, painful or scary times. I have. I've walked around with a dying life in my womb, I have watched the demise of support systems I once though were secure and have endured high-stake uncertainties, and in every one of those scenarios I have been forced to reckon with my utter lack of control and fall back into the arms that love me with a Love that won't quit. My knuckle-tight grip on life has been loosened significantly at times, during which I can confidently say that while I didn't LIKE  the loosening, I experienced His presence more keenly in those suffocating spaces than I ever have on the wide open plains. Even with this  personal history that speaks clearly to a God who stands beside me when I stare straight at my fears, I revert way too easily to my natural default: Die-Hard Control Freak.

Is it not preposterous that a little human gal like me would try and manipulate the One who created and loves her more than all the human love the Earth has to offer put together? Does it not reek of short-sighted ignorance that a  puny mind would seek to cling to her little thread that is only part of  The Grand Weaver's tapestry that delights in using all the shabby strings strung by the lives lived in this messy space, a masterpiece that will be revealed on a day when we have the eyes to see it in it's glorious whole? Of course it does. I am not the first, nor shall I be the last to wave my tiny fists in fear and resistance of that which I cannot control.  The Holy Scriptures are chock full of reminders that surely were not written JUST for me:

I know that You can do all things, And that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted. 'Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?' "Therefore I have declared that which I did not understand, Things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.
Job, Chapter 42


There are many more such reminders of God's bigness, and our smallness. These speak to the power of God. This is good and should be etched in our minds, but this can not be all. The fear factor (from which my  feeble attempts to control stem from) can ambush my walk of faith when information about trumps experience of God. God is big and mighty, yes, but bigger than His bigness is a desire is for relationship with individual humans because He deeply loves and cares about each of His children.

So that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.…
Ephesians, Chapter Three.

"Love ... which surpasses knowledge". You might remember that I mentioned I come from a deeply Christian tradition. This means my mental files are stuffed full of facts ABOUT Him.  Information about something can stay relatively intact, available for retrieval as needed  for a long stretch of time. Facts are handy to have when needed, and serve a purpose in getting to know someone, but having a file-based relationship can leave a body cold. And untrusting. 

What can easily slip away over a not-so-long stretch of time is the sense of His personal care and love for me. A deficiency in relationship with God is a trigger for trending towards frantically covering all my bases of the "what if's" of life. When my close awareness of the One who Loves me diminishes, it naturally makes room for fear and it's trusty sidekick, doubt, to move in and set up house in my heart. This needs to change for me. Experiencing God is how, little by little, my grip loosens. 

The hard stuff will happen again. It might be a police cruiser pulling into my driveway, a cancer diagnosis, a paralytic child or a rare condition that leaves me completely deaf and mute (a nightmare for me, and occasional fantasy of my husband's)...it could be ANYTHING and it will be some thing. The particulars of what will be must not concern me in this moment. The God Who Sees is for me to know now, so that as the future comes (only one moment at a time as it does), I am ever closer to the One who keeps my grip loose, freeing it to be held as He walks with me through it. 

11 Comments
judy link
10/18/2013 09:35:11 pm

Dear Daughter,
This is profound! It is honest, real, heart wrenching, and full
of truth. It spoke to my heart through my smiles and tears.
Thank you!

Reply
Jeane
10/21/2013 12:05:00 pm

Spoken like a true, encouraging mom. Thank you, MOM...I love you.

Reply
twomenandtheirlady
10/18/2013 09:51:20 pm

This really struck a cord with me! I also am a control freak and know the vain idea of trying to jinx Jesus. A living relationship...what beauty there is in that...and how hard it is to keep that in focus sometimes. I'm slowly learning. God gives grace IN time of need...not in anticipation of need or our worst fears. =P He will ALWAYS be faithful!

Reply
Jeane
10/21/2013 12:07:38 pm

I think I will always be learning this, friend. I just hope as I "Grow up" the balance will be tipped more in the "Trusting" side. Thanks so much for sharing your good thoughts on this. I appreciate it!

Reply
Terri
10/18/2013 09:58:57 pm

Control is that age-old battle we all fight. It started in the Garden and will not end until the End. You are on the right track to grasping the root of it, and I'm pretty sure that is where the stability of your future lies. We can all benefit from your reminder to live in and thrive TODAY as a preparation for whatever tomorrow holds. Good word, good word!

Reply
Jeane
10/21/2013 12:08:34 pm

I value your wise perspective, Terri. And your affirmation. Thank you for it, sweet and strong friend.

Reply
Jen
10/18/2013 10:40:25 pm

I too fall into giving myself "last rites" as I'm headed out the door for a milk run to the store. I always picture the headlines in the newspaper. "She just ran out for milk, the last goodbye." You hit the nail on the head - fear and doubt are such comfotable trusty sidekicks when we disconnect from our Father and attempt to sit in the driver seat. Thank you for pointing to HIS Word and truth!!

Reply
JEane
10/21/2013 12:09:22 pm

Soul sista, how I love you. "You truly know (and have lived with) these strange tendencies that perhaps aren't so uncommon as I once thought. Love you.

Reply
Sarah Gingrich
10/19/2013 11:52:17 am

Ah..yes. Me too. The curse of an over-active imagination. Explains the death grip I keep on my littles in parking lots or beside moderately busy roads. I heard something the other day that challenged me: Doubt is putting our circumstances between us and God. Faith is putting God between us and our circumstances. May He enable us to live by faith.

Reply
Jeane
10/21/2013 12:11:49 pm

Excactly I LOVE the quote. Am reaching for my pen to write it down ON PAPER to hang by my sink. Or tattoo on my arm. Or both. Thank you!!!

Reply
Beverly
10/25/2013 01:58:54 am

Dear Jeane
Enjoyed your great, well written, much needed article ...
...Apart from the fact that I am first born, and also LIKE to Be in CONTROL, and ahead of the game! (which, by the way, has never paid off!!!) It seems to me there is a growing movement in the ever downward spiral of a "me oriented, I'm in control" Soceity, that affects every area of life!
Having an awareness of Biblical facts is good, however, the rubber meets the road when one is in a crisis and left feeling all alone, helpless and in need. Through a relationship with our Creator, Sustainer and Redeemer, we can move forward, into the fullness of Joy; Not given over to our Circumstances, but instead, Conquering & Triumphing over our Circumstances; to then in turn, giving all of the Honor and Glory over to our Amazing God; Lord over All anyway !

Reply



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    Jeane'

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     I am Jeane', a woman who loves her Isotoners padded, coffee hot and favorite jeans ripped (only because I've got zero tattoos and a desire to be a tiny bit edgy). 
    You are in the company of one woman who desires to attach no label to herself except those of "imperfect" and "perfectly loved by God". That's it.
    By spending a little bit of time here at my online address, you will come to find that I am married, I am a stepmom to one, and birth mama to eight...three of whom went straight from the womb to happily residing in Heaven, five of whom live loudly & loved here with us. I am perched precariously on the slippery edge of sanity most days and even so, am grateful for this life in all of them. I am not here to tell you what to do, or how to do it because there is just so much I simply do not know. I am here because I love to write and it is far cheaper than therapy. Pour yourself a cup of whatever makes your heart happy, if you like, and enjoy a sip of real life with me.

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