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Mothering the Whirlwind with a Will of Steel

7/13/2013

22 Comments

 
Picture
She sneakily presented, when they weren't expecting her. The new-to-nursing RN had told me in the pre-dawn darkness of the hospital delivery room that it would be a little while yet and to try and get some sleep (by telling you this it should be obvious that I do not squat by the side of the road to deliver my babies. No. I make reservations three days in advance before the due date to ensure the epidural is administered in plenty of time). After a few moments, I started to get sick and as I was leaning over the metal bowl at my bedside, she mused aloud "Let me just take a look here....Oh. Oh my. Oh my. Ok." And I could almost see her brain reaching for the mental file from nursing school that told her what to say to a patient when her baby's little head had made it's appearance unexpectedly and that things could be very serious. She took a deep breath and told me in a barely-steady voice "I am going to push a button, and within seconds there will be many, many nurses and doctors flying through the door. Please stay calm. It will be alright."

Indeed, within seconds at least ten blue scrub-clad staff poured through the door, including the midwife who expertly pulled her out, was able to remove the double knotted umbilical cord that was around her neck and from that came the most relieving sounds: a piercing and determined sounding little cry. My ever-calm, "piece of cake"-approach- to-tough-situations husband who was there for it all, and actually helped deliver her, later told me her head was blue when he first saw her. She had come out on her own time and stirred up a whirlwind when she did.

I should have seen the (obvious) signs.

This beautiful, tenacious, smart and exceedingly strong-willed child has not veered from her birth day approach to living. I have found this almost-ethereal looking child with her wild sun-colored hair and wide blue eyes, perched precariously over a picket fence in her beloved Dora swimsuit, trying to escape our fenced in yard by the dawn's early light (more than once). She is a sleuth who has a built-in sensory that detects concealed candy from Halloween and Easter, stashing them in places where I find a pile of empty wrappers weeks later. No height is too high, no obstacle too great, no force of gravity too strong. She is our blonde haired, blue-eyed little whirlwind with a will made of steel and when we're not too tired from keeping up, we are flat out amazed at the gift at the honor of being the ones to mold her early years.

From the hospital, she came home to a big stepbrother, a littler big brother who had just turned two and a sister who had celebrated her first birthday only weeks before. Unbeknownst to us, just a little over a year later, she herself would become a big sister to twin brothers. In addition to her built-in "spirited" personality, she is also smack dab in the middle of two sets of "twins" (the "Irish" -less than a year apart- first two and the identical ones that come after her).  I get the struggle she faces in trying to establish her place in the line-up. None of her siblings are exactly docile themselves, they are all a wonderfully colorful and bold in their own ways...a small posse that band together and turn on each other at any given moment of any given day during any given week of the past seven years. There are moments, usually the ones that fall right before dinner and/or bedtime, where I am convinced it is their common goal to get me committed.

I am writing this here on my couch while the house is still asleep (I call this time of the day "bliss". This is when I am at my personal best as a mother) and I am stringing these words to you in the very thick of raising this miraculous child who challenges me multiple times every day to contain the whirlwind that comes from her being her. I have let many battles go. There are so many surface issues that do not reach the heart in which I have reserved until the bigger ones are "won".
 
Our steely whirlwind, for all her might, can also be the most charming, adorable child in our possession...particularly when no one is thwarting what she has already determined in her mind she WILL do. We praise her to the highest heavens when she makes good choices, try to not reign in her adventuresome spirit in too narrowly and marvel at her beauty, for when she truly smiles the entire world seems two shades brighter. It's just that, well, I am absolutely EXHAUSTED. She demands the intercession of three children combined, and fears very little-- consequences of any kind included.  I have had people suggest placing her in her room, on a chair, in a corner until her personal storm passes and I think "You actually think she would STAY there???" This is not a child who meekly accepts loving discipline. Oh no. She fights it and she does not give up easily, all the while her still-young siblings are watching and making their own plans while the mama is up trying to figure out how to best deal, and for the sake of all that's holy, TRYING her best not to get sucked up into the emotional whirlwind. There are days my husband comes home and we both like we've been reenacting scenes from Twister.

For those who also have such a child, I raise my now-lukewarm cup of coffee to you. I come to you with no miraculous child-behavior program, all-the-answers book/conference/dvd series or Bible verse. I've read some, and honestly, I want to invite the author to my home to observe for a few days and the say "ok, now tell me again, what was that you had to say?". That reads as though I'm jaded by parenting books. Possibly because I am. No family (or author!) has perfect children within it's fold, but neither does every family have that child that stands out so brightly for their blazing will of steel. I have asked new friends, "Do you have that one darling child that just gives you a run for your money?" and when they have to pause to think about it, I already know they do not. This does not mean their existence is easy. Everyone has their own whirlwind, a person or circumstance that blows in and stirs up the weakness of the bystander.  Many have people endure gale-force winds and will, for all their lives, of the likes that I have never seen.

"She will do GREAT things". This is the mantra we say to ourselves over and over. We believe it with all of our hearts. I'm just not sure I'll live long enough to see it some days. I call out to God for help, and He has given it....after all, we're both still alive to see another day, right? As tired and often exasperated as I am, there is absolutely NOTHING on Earth or beyond that I would trade for this blond-haired, blue-eyed package of precociousness that we have been given.  I am grateful (deep inside) that she does not "perform" for others, because I tend to value performance over substance. I am thankful that her being less than congenial (unless she so chooses) around others most of the time forces me to see that my children are not robots to be programmed, nor are they here to make me look good. They are here because God chose them to be at this point in history and He has a unique adventure for which He wants them to set out on. Their lives have very little to do with me, but I still have an important role. For reasons beyond my personal understanding, He picked ME -impatient, noise intolerant, performance loving me-to be their mama...and somehow He's working to refine the whole lot of us. It is hard and it is relentless when in the trenches. If you are in them with me, I have only these three thoughts to encourage you with:

1. Seek wisdom from ABOVE. The God who created our children, including the especially strong-willed ones, knows him/her better than any best-selling author/program/whatever. Seek without ceasing.

2. Kiss 'em lots in the morning and at night (even if it's after they're asleep and your nervous tick has subsided) and pray that any fallout from the hours in-between when the love fest wasn't happenin' will be forgotten and forgiven with time. Celebrate the little victories and good choices with unabashed enthusiasm. See those flowers at the top of this post? These were given to me on Wednesday from the little girl with the once-blue face, that is now flushed with red from the rush of life on the edge. I cannot tell you how much they meant to me, but I sure did my darnedest to try to convey it to her.

3. Read this by Lysa TerKeurst (of everything I have ever read, including books, this is the piece that stuck with me more than any other, brief though it be). If you ever meet such an admirable woman who describes the situation you are in with one of her own children, BEG her to meet you for coffee and be a shameless sponge in her presence. Whether they themselves are still in the trenches, or far beyond them, absorbing a knowing empathy refreshes and refuels the spirit like nothing else!

You are not alone. If you occasionally (ok, often) cannot find any other words to mentally shout but those reminiscent of a salty sailor when you're lost in the emotional reaction to the whirlwind that you found yourself caught up in, if you've been tempted to Google "Military Academy for Preschool Aged Children" or want to gently slap the next person who admonishes you to "love these years", please know you are part of a sisterhood that is being refined  by their precious offspring and it's perfectly normal for it to be a messy, stop-and-go process. It is not easy, but nothing truly worthwhile ever has been. Stand strong! Accept Grace! Give Grace! And remember, Joanie (of Arc)'s mama probably felt the very same way.
22 Comments
Hallie
7/12/2013 10:11:01 pm

Jeane my dear friend. I can always relate to you in one way or another. While I can't say that either of my two could possibly rival your little twister, I do have one comment. If ever you get the chance, surprise your little lady and yourself by joining her in one of her escapades. I often find myself marveling at how my children play and sometimes it can be cathartic to join them in whatever crazy thing has caught your attention. Let them 'tattoo' you with markers or roll down a grassy hill with them. In short, "If you can't beat them, join them."

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Jeane`
7/12/2013 10:15:33 pm

Good morning, beautiful Hallie!
I am so happy you took time to stop in and let me know you did! Your idea is such a good and sweet one.Occasionally, I've been known to walk on the wild side with her...and you're right, she eats it right up, which reminds me I need to do this more often. Thank you, friend. So thankful for your thoughts!

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mitchal miller
7/16/2013 12:47:07 pm

We all love you Jeane. I'm sure your children(even the hard ones) love you more than anyone could ever say. Ahem,,,enjoy these years!!!!

judy link
7/12/2013 10:35:09 pm

I read every word of this post and know on a first hand basis whereof you speak. I was there when was first wrapped in a little pink blanket and I have been there throughout her almost five years of life. I have watched you and her father as you walked this journey, and many are the times I fell on my knees and prayed that you would be given the grace, the perseverance, the patience, and the wisdom to deal with a little one like you have been given. Time and time again, she has stolen my heart. Time and time again she has frustrated me to the point of exhaustion. This is so well written and so real and honest in how it all is. I love watching you and your husband deal with all of your children, but especially this precious little blond. Thank you for sharing your heart and thank you also for giving us such a special little girl, who continually teaches us lessons in daily life.

As for chore charts...I totally understand, since I was queen of new notebooks for at least five pages:)

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Jeane
7/13/2013 02:11:48 am

Spoken like a woman who raised and loved me, even when I was at times, impossible. Thank you for loving and being patient with me...and my offspring.

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Jo
7/13/2013 02:50:33 am

My dearly departed and now rejoicing in Heaven mother in law could certainly have been one of those who would share in empathy with you. I am married to her personal 'whirlwind' child who once cut apart their newly covered couch with the kitchen knife to see what made it so bouncy!! Since they lived adjacent to the lot where the trucks were constantly in and out for the business, she was concerned to leave him in the backyard to play. Her solution: a harness attached to the wash line. No lie!! It's a well told family story.
Praying for you always. Hugs, smiles and giggles for sharing your heart and soul with us.

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Jeane'
7/14/2013 08:22:23 am

Jo!!!! Who knew?? (Well, not me! I would have never guessed that of Jerre). In retrospect, the tether and couch story are hilarious...but I know for sure they weren't in the moment. Thank you for
Sharing and for your love and prayers!

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Jenna
7/13/2013 07:42:22 am

I raise my cup of lukewarm coffee to you, as well. ;)

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Jeane'
7/14/2013 08:17:46 am

Cheers, Jenna. Thank you for speaking up and letting me know you are a part of the "club". Love and prayers to and for you!

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Cindy
7/13/2013 09:10:08 pm

Truly marvelous gift you have of expressing your innermost feelings. God is truly not finished with either you or"whirlwind " yet!

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Cindy
7/14/2013 11:16:17 am

You are a sweet encouragement to me, Cindy. Thank you so much!

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Joanna
7/13/2013 10:56:13 pm

Thank you. Thank you for this wonderfully written and perfectly timed article.
From the mom of a fearless, strong willed, sweetest ever little three year old girl usually found wearing tutus, rain boots on a hot sunny day, with a winter hat......all at once!

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Jeane
7/14/2013 08:26:08 am

Joanna...YES, I know of strong (and specific and seasonally inappropriate) fashion choices too!!! Bless you, strong woman and may God help you raise your confident little whirlwind. Thanks so much for speaking up and letting me know you're in it too!

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Annette
7/14/2013 10:11:44 pm

You sound like the kind of mother I would like to talk with over coffee! I am at this time mommy to only one 13 month old so not a lot of strong will but o so determined! He has his own "fight for life and survival" story and I have wondered how much his early days contribute to the personality now? I do nanny an almost four yr old who we could exchange similar stories as your little dear ;0 I raise my sugar laden cup of life giving caffeine, the second most important part of my day (after Jesus of coarse) to you and say Bless you on this Monday morning as you mother and train the little people in your life

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Jeane`
7/16/2013 02:49:51 am

Hi, Annette!
Thanks so much for taking part in the conversation! So grateful for your perspective. And YES, I totally think the early days can be indicative of the personality to come! :) It sounds like you are a busy lady and I have prayed that today, and this week (which is hot as blazes here in my corner!) will be as low key as one could hope. Thanks again, for stopping by!
Warmly,
Jeane`

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Marty
7/15/2013 11:51:24 pm

Oh Jeanne. First I love your writing style. Second I know whereof you speak. My blue blanket whirlwind is now 29 and the father of 4 littles himself. I laughed out loud (sorry) at the sentence 'she fears very little'. My mantra for the 1st 5 years of his life was often "I love you cuz you're mine - but today I really don't like you very much'. And that one was coupled with 'this child completely wears me out'. Persistence was HIS mantra - still is. It exhausted me then but it serves him well today in his life/job. I prayed early for the woman he asked to marry (cuz she had no idea what she was in for if she said 'no'. Thanksfully she said Yes.) My sinister 'prayer' was that God would give him a child just like him. And He did. But it came back to bite me cuz know I'm Grammy to this whirlwind offspring. =) How I would have loved to be reading this blog during those days of sheer frustration - to simply know that there are some really amazing, Godly mothers who were worn out just like I was. But today I'm still thankful for this blog - gives me cause to pause, walk down memory lane and an assignment to pray for all you exhausted mothers in the throes of parenthood. We survived and actually, survived well - soley because of God's faithfulness and His promise to carry the weary. Keep on keeping on - the whirlwinds and the calmers will one day called you Blessed. Hugs!

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Jeane`
7/16/2013 03:00:42 am

Marty,
I can not begin to tell you how truly COMFORTING it is to hear from a mama on the "other side" of all this. Your words describing your sentiments during the early years are almost word-for-word my own. Thank you so much for taking the time to reach out and offer your perspective...it is one of my favorite things about posting to here. And you taught me a very important lesson: be careful what you pray for, for some day, you might have to babysit him/her. ;) Seriously, thought, I DO thank you so very much for your honest words that refreshed my tired spirit.

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Tiffany
7/16/2013 11:39:09 am

I always look forward to your contributions because I can always relate. I have 5 amazing blessings (ages 10, 6, 2 years 10 months, 1 year 11 months, 7 months) and expecting our 6th in December. I am certain that my almost 3 year old would be instant friends with your little one. Thanks for the refreshing honesty.

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Jeane`
7/22/2013 11:13:14 am

Oh my dear woman!!!! You are in the thick, thick, thick of it!!!! Thank you for taking your precious time to write and share of the awesome family God has given you, and stretched you with!!! My prayers are with you for sanity and grace to make it through...one second at a time (because sometimes that's as big a chunk as you can handle in the moment, right?!).

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Cindi
7/20/2013 03:17:32 pm

Just what I needed to read at this time in my life of mothering a "whirlwind" 2 and 1/2 year-old and 8 month old daughters! Love how you focus on the positive character qualities... so hard to do when it feels like a losing battle! Been thinking lots about the Grace that God gives me and how I need to give that Grace to my precious girlies as well! Thanks for sharing

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Jeane
7/22/2013 11:15:36 am

Oh, dear Cindi....I really wanted to make sure to note the positives in writing because it helps ME remember them. Seriously, in the moments where you just want to walk away and let them raise themselves, it is so hard to calm down enough to remember how awesome they actually are. I struggle with that not just once in a while, but several times a day, almost every single day! Love and prayers to you, sweet lady. Thank you so much for taking the time to write! Warmly, Jeane`

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Janene
2/14/2014 11:33:10 pm

Strong-willed children are simply hard. Like you, I learned by having one! Luckily, I was already pregnant with her sister before I learned the truth :)

Of all of the statements you made in the article, "you are not alone" is the one I needed to hear the most- especially as a Christian who believed that with God's help, I would be a perfect mother (Stop laughing! Weren't we all set-up to think this?).

After pulling out my hair for almost 3 years, and honestly understanding why parents can easily cross the line to abuse without thinking twice about it (no...I never went there...but, boy, there were times I had to reign myself in big-time), I finally attended a church class on child-raising. It was there that I learned that my challenge was one felt by many...and even other Christians. Every child is different, and mine are no exception...but no book or class has all of the answers. Prayer is essential. Picking your battles is too.

My blessing after raising my whirlwind child? The traits that challenged me most are carrying her through her freshman year in college with grace, strength and determination. She is still strong-willed, and we don't always agree...but I now believe that she knows my love for her is real, even when I frustrate her by not aligning with her will.

God is good. My child is too...even though we battle sometimes :)

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    Jeane'

    Picture
     I am Jeane', a woman who loves her Isotoners padded, coffee hot and favorite jeans ripped (only because I've got zero tattoos and a desire to be a tiny bit edgy). 
    You are in the company of one woman who desires to attach no label to herself except those of "imperfect" and "perfectly loved by God". That's it.
    By spending a little bit of time here at my online address, you will come to find that I am married, I am a stepmom to one, and birth mama to eight...three of whom went straight from the womb to happily residing in Heaven, five of whom live loudly & loved here with us. I am perched precariously on the slippery edge of sanity most days and even so, am grateful for this life in all of them. I am not here to tell you what to do, or how to do it because there is just so much I simply do not know. I am here because I love to write and it is far cheaper than therapy. Pour yourself a cup of whatever makes your heart happy, if you like, and enjoy a sip of real life with me.

    thecoffeecottage.blogspot.com
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