Wrecked and Restored.

Photo Credit: Simply S Photography

Writing this has been a challenge because details are hazy, emotions are no longer raw, and I just don’t revisit it anymore. And for all of this I am so thankful. For so many years it wasn’t like that. I was raw, I was bitter, I was consumed with the details I did and didn’t know about my husband’s past & present struggles. My heart was broken for a long time. My mind was in a perpetual state of “pit dwelling” to coin the phrase from author Beth Moore. Now, being on the other side of that struggle and out of the pit, we sometimes peer back down, to be reminded of where we were, and where God has brought us today. It is so humbling. Our problems were not unique, for this struggle is all too common, in fact, it is rampant.  And so, as we continue to fight the good fight, I am honored to share our story of battling & conquering the pornography monster that came and tried to destroy.

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James and I “re-met” when we were paired together as escorts at our friend’s wedding.  Casually knowing each other from high school, he was a popular straight A jock that dated a cheerleader, and I was in chorus. The end. There had been a small handful of times we hung out in a group during the college years, and because of those encounters, I had a mixed perception of him. James was coming right out of a party central college lifestyle which was very foreign from my conservative, full time working, Doris Day movie watching, cross stitching by the crackling fire life. So that you don’t think I was a total dork with afghans and cats surrounding me, I did have a blast with my friends during my single years and could party down with the best of them. Okay, with that last sentence I have made it abundantly clear that I was indeed a dork.

He asked for my phone number at the wedding, and I told him he could get my number from our friend, the groom. He took that as a good sign, and not a blow off. The love goggles were apparently already on. 

He saw a difference in me than the usual fare from his past.
I saw a party boy. I was not interested.
He kept calling. I would avoid his calls. 
He kept calling. We started talking.
 He was sweet, he was funny. We started dating.
He pursued me with honor and purity. 
I told him I wasn’t “excited” about us.
 He wouldn’t give up pursuing me.
 He had been lost. He was now found. 
He was desiring a godly wife. 
He was desiring Jesus.
 I fell in love.
 I wanted to be on this life journey with him.

James and I dated for two years, and there were certainly some red flags during our dating time that I chose to get “girlfriend mad” about but ultimately decided to stuff down and not really deal with. Looking back I so wish I would have taken a step back from the relationship and require some big time examination of some of his choices.  I told myself they were just remnants of his old lifestyle, the influence of foolish friends. He’s a new creation! And I’m in love! Once we’re married, it will all be peachy and wonderful! Hello extremely immature and naïve 25 year old self.

My ignorance was bliss for a few short months after marriage. One day I was on our computer and these “pop-ups” started showing up on the screen of scantily clad women and advertisements for adult websites. My eyes couldn’t even focus on them, it was so jarring. James was sitting right there on the couch in our little apartment, and I said, “what in the world is all this?” He played dumb at first, and then his face quickly changed from denial to guilt as his eyes traveled down to the floor and his head fell in shame.  I don’t remember the details of the rest of that day very well, but I’m pretty sure we didn’t have a rousing round of Chinese Checkers that night.  I do remember closing the door to our little den and being alone while trying to recover from the sucker punch I had just received. Trying to breathe, trying to figure out what my response would be. I was blank. I was shocked. It felt like our whole relationship had been a lie. 

We tearfully and awkwardly talked things out, and I found out he had struggled with viewing pornography since college. He struggled via the computer at home and when traveling for work – which was a lot back then. But, the burning question of my heart was never really answered in that exchange. 

Why? 
Why would you want to look at this stuff? 
Why would you hurt me like this? 
Why… wasn’t I enough? 

      --FROM JAMES--
You were, and are enough and I truly never meant to hurt you. I will live the rest of my life regretting the pain I caused you. I was trapped in a horrible prison that I had built by my foolish choices. 

Please know, I’m not writing this to give excuses or to rationalize what I did. Only by the grace of an amazing God and the love of a wonderful woman do I even dare to write down my thoughts. 

The truth is, I’ve been in love with Jen since the moment I “re-met” her at our friends’ wedding. That’s what made this so devastating. I couldn’t come to my love’s rescue and fix this, because I was the problem. My ‘knight in shining armor’ status had been blown to bits.  Seeing Jen’s face the first time she found out and knowing that I had crushed her will stay with me always. This is the woman that I love, the one God gave me as my wife, the one who I am called by God to be a shield and a covering, the one that I am naturally driven to protect at all costs. How can I protect her from the world, if I can’t even protect her from myself? How did I get here? How could I let this happen? How can someone be involved with this junk, truly love their wife, and be seeking after Jesus’ design for life? I hope to answer some of these questions.

Again, this doesn’t justify what I fell into, but I hope this will explain some of the reasons why so many men struggle with sexual purity and pornography. Men by nature are extremely visual. Once exposed to sexual content, especially pornographic material, there are very real and lasting effects on your brain. The younger the exposure, the more impacting and deeply rooted the effects on the brain is.  A man’s body releases powerful chemicals which produce all the senses of pleasure – like a high. These same chemicals have a natural and powerful addictive quality and when over stimulated, they can actually change the way portions of your brain operate (like that of a drug addict). Your body craves more, and the dependency on these “highs” acts like any other chemical addiction. It has been reported to be as strong as the addictive powers of cocaine. To just “stop it” or “knock it off”, is easier said than done.  

So there’s the physical explanation of why viewing porn is so addicting, but how can you be a loving husband, and a man seeking after God, yet living in sexual sin? 

Well, you can’t truly be doing those things in total freedom while in the midst of this kind of struggle. But, the ability to live this “double life” comes from the way God uniquely designed men. Unfortunately, like everything else in this world, this design has been distorted by sin. Men are hardwired with the ability to compartmentalize things. This means, that we are able to almost completely shut down all other thoughts to intensely focus on a task. This includes emotions. This is extremely useful in problem solving and provides the ability to lock down emotions in a box (such as fear) and snap into action during an emergency. Unfortunately, we can take this trait and use it to compartmentalize other areas of our lives. Especially when transitioning from a free-wheeling lifestyle to a committed marriage, having a nasty secret like a pornography habit locked away in another compartment is not so hard to do. But even with this ability to compartmentalize, the guilt and shame still gnawed away at me and prevented me from having true intimacy with my wife.

In the weeks and months to follow, James sought counsel through leadership at our church and they connected him with a guy who had also struggled with sexual purity but was now walking a victorious journey and counseling other men through it. He was truly a God send and remains a close friend almost a decade later. He poured encouragement and practical wisdom into James as they met together often.  This was life changing. James had found freedom like he never knew it before. He was unpacking the past, and purging the baggage he needed to be rid of. This mammoth weight he had been carrying and hiding had been lifted. There was a great wall between us that I never knew was there until it was down. 

Things were just so much more organic and authentic between us. Our marriage was being refined and solidified. High fives all around! Right? No? What’s up with me? Why do I still have the urge to drop an anvil on his head? While James was practically skipping to his counseling sessions and starting the slow process of breaking free of this addiction, I was so full of turmoil, anger, hurt, mistrust, and insecurity. My heart was wrecked.

That’s often how it goes. The guy messes up, gets help, is released from this secret addiction and sprouts wings to freedom. The gal is left in the dust, broken. Her wings are damaged, everything has crashed and burned. With no friends to talk to for fear of embarrassing herself or him, she feels loved and unloved at the same time, she feels ugly, humiliated and angry.  

Don’t get me wrong, I was thankful he was repentant and seeking help. But, where did that leave me? I was in a tailspin, confused about what was real and what was a lie in our relationship. We were together, yet so very separate in our emotional healing paths.  There were one or two trusted friends I shared with, one who frequently prayed with me and was truly a confidant and comfort. But unless you have gone through it, it’s hard to know how to encourage. One of my biggest regrets is that I never really sought counseling for myself. I read books- many of which I threw across the room because I was so disgusted at learning the details of what this pornography monster really looked like, that, and I was just too angry to read about forgiveness and my wifely duties. We went together as a couple a few times, but to have a restored woman speaking truth over me and helping to steer my thought life in the right direction would have helped immensely in my healing. I believe it would have also deterred me from subtly playing victim – even years after we were on the “other side” of this pornography struggle.  Oh, I had that down to an art form. More about that in a bit.

Over the next 5 years, James cycled in and out of victory and defeat. Ultimately he was headed in a good direction, but there were setbacks. We were happy, we laughed, we loved, but I lived life not fully trusting him, and waiting for the carpet to be ripped from under me, again. My heart wasn’t safe with him yet. Whenever he would backslide (basically me finding things on the computer), it felt like we were back at ground zero. I would think in anguish, “is this what our marriage will be like for the rest of our days?” It was a horrible place to be.  Going to bed would be excruciating for a few days while the sting of another offense was fresh. I didn’t even want to undress in his presence. I didn’t want to offer him any visual pleasure, and at the same time I felt so ugly and undesirable. Many times it was like getting in bed with him and another woman. It wasn’t just me and him. It was me, him, and all of these images of other women that he had seen, filed away in his memories for good. Women that I could never look like. I would lay there, seething and heartbroken. I felt I could never truly satisfy what he really wanted.

But, emotions don’t have brains. And I knew he had come a long way from where he had started. As much as it still stung, those thoughts of mine were coming from the enemy. They were not truth. I know James loves me and finds me desirable. I know I am made in the image of God – so I am beautiful. I am a precious daughter of the King. An exercise I used (and still use!) over and over from author & speaker Patsy Clairmont, were the 3 R's:

Refuse (the anxious or angry thought) 
Replace (replace it with truth -claim HIS truth -soak in God's word)
Repeat (over and over and over!)

Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. Ephesians 6:11

Through the years we’ve learned to safe guard our marriage against sexual impurity seeping in. Granted, in our culture, sexual images are just kind of thrown in your face without warning. A television commercial, a billboard along the road while driving, an immodestly dressed woman strolling directly ahead of you at the mall, or sitting in front of you at CHURCH. Yes, ladies – let’s try not to create a battle for men while worshiping. 
The outside world is hard enough.

Aiding in shoring up our defenses against sexual impurity are Internet filters on our computer and smart phones - we recommend Net Nanny for all your devices. Anytime James travels, he asks trusted men in his life to check in with him throughout the week to encourage him and keep him accountable. We are also extremely conservative in what we watch on TV. When everything came out, we were really challenged to change some of our entertainment choices. We turned the TV off for about a month. We watched nothing. After turning the TV back on, we were shocked to see how “sexualized” television & movies were. We had been so desensitized. Getting rid of cable has eliminated so much garbage from being potentially viewed in our home –you’d be surprised how much you don’t miss it.  We check Plugged In before watching a movie to find out if there’s any sexual content in it. This has been so valuable in helping us keep our minds free and pure, and be able to just relax and enjoy a movie without wondering what kind of scenes might pop up. And then, we just use common sense. For example, I don’t watch Dancing with the Stars with my husband. I’ll catch that spray tanned dancer doing the cha-cha later on my own.  

Despite all the external safeguards, and James plowing through the hard work of retraining his thought life & eyes, I had started constructing my own safeguards around my heart. Building back broken trust takes a long time. It’s taken us years. The trail way to trust takes a combination of consistent trustworthy acts by your husband over time, and truck loads of grace from you (which is TOTALLY supplied by the Holy Spirit).  This is has been a long road for us, with many bumps along the way. I didn’t realize it during this time, but my un-dealt with insecurity & anger took the form of keeping him feeling “less then”. Oh, I was very subtle about it. It came in the form of little jokes about his past relationships, sarcasm, or snarky remarks about bad choices he had made. Here are those comments translated:

Remember when you made that sinful choice? 

Remember how that hurt me? 

Oh, did you start feeling good about yourself for a little there? 

Well, let me get on my moral high horse and put you back in your place. 

Down there. Away from my heart. 

Don’t you forget. I’ll never let you forget. YOU HURT ME!

 Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. 

Now do you want to drop an anvil on MY head??? I do! My feelings of “stuffed” bitterness were spilling out in this venomous life sucking manner and completely focused on my own pain. A passage from the book Every Heart Restored by Fred & Brenda Stoeker hit me right between the eyes.

“Who’s ideals do you love the most-yours or Christ’s? Your anger or His grace? Brenda (the author) has been amazed at how often she hears about the husband who creates the mess by lusting after porn while the wife keeps things messy by breaking his spirit and judging him into oblivion.”

Was I allowing James to grow and live in freedom from the guilt and shame of the past? I’m ashamed to say no. I was keeping him there. Boy, was I keeping things messy. I wish I could say I had this grand revelation one day and fell on my knees weeping and asking his forgiveness, but over time – just in the past few years I have gradually let go of that anger as my trust in him has been restored. 

God is still healing us in this area, but those comments and jokes have stopped. James has told me he feels so much more “lighter and relaxed” within our relationship. I am too. 

“What’s done is done.  There is no need to speak to Edmund about what has past.” 
     ~Aslan, The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe.

Gals, you have the ability to lift a great weight from your husband’s heart. I know, it’s so hard to let go of your anger, it seems too risky. Perhaps you are carrying a large rock, or maybe just a little itty bitty pebble in your back pocket that seems insignificant; however, both cause injury when thrown. Dropping your rock feels vulnerable and unsafe, but it’s a huge component in your relationship being healed and truly secure. Are you being a helpmate or a hindrance in this journey? 

I’ll make up for the years of the locust,
the great locust devastation--
Locusts savage, locusts deadly, 
fierce locusts, locusts of doom,
That great locust invasion
I sent your way.
You’ll eat your fill of good food.
You’ll be full of praises to your God,
The God who has set you back on your heels in wonder. 
Joel 2:25-26 (The Message)

We truly have been set back on our heels in wonder at what God has done in our marriage and how He has grown each of us uniquely, yet as one. It’s certainly sweeter and deeper than we could have ever imagined a decade ago as we said our naïve “I do’s”. 

For those of you who are in the thick of this battle or perhaps have a husband who is not remorseful or unrepentant in his sexual sin, my heart truly aches for you. My prayer is that you will be reminded daily by your Creator that you are beautiful, you are priceless, and that HE delights in you. For you are a daughter of the King. I also strongly encourage you to seek one on one counseling from a woman who specializes in helping those walk through the aftermath of sexual sin.  

There is HOPE for total healing, restoration is possible.

Claim this promise as you wait in hope:
Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you;
therefore he will rise up to show you compassion.
For the Lord is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for him!
Isaiah 30:18

Below are some resources that we recommend to aid in breaking free of sexual sin, help for a hurting and confused heart, and ways to be proactive in protecting your family against sexual content creeping onto your screens.

Jen's Picks for the gals:

• Every Heart Restored – Fred & Brenda Stoeker
• So Long, Insecurity: You’ve Been a Bad Friend to Us  – Beth Moore
• Dropping Your Rock – Nicole Johnson
• The Gift of Forgiveness – Charles F. Stanley
  
  

James' Picks for the guys:

• This addiction for many men is the ultimate battle ground with very real forces fighting against you daily. You need back up. Guilt, shame and pride keep men isolated, without any support network. We excel at being islands, it feels safer and easier that way.  I’ve found that the only path to freedom and victory over sexual sin is pleading in prayer for transformation, and to seek help from a trusted counselor. Surround yourself with trusted men to stay accountable. I can’t stress this enough. I had someone reaching in and calling me out of this addiction, challenging me to rise to true and noble manhood. It made all the difference.
  

• Every Man’s Marriage – Steve Arterburn & Fred Stoeker
• Every Man's Battle - Steve Arterburn & Fred Stoeker
  
• Men's Fraternity Ministries - The Quest For Authentic Manhood
• New Life Ministries
  
  

For everyone:

• Net Nanny - Internet Filter for all of your devices with internet access.
  
• Plugged In - Focus on the Family's in depth reviews of movies, TV & games & books