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the hollow space

10/19/2013

22 Comments

 
Preface:  Infertility is not part of my personal journey but I've faced coming to grips with the pain of God slamming a door and as of yet not opening another. I come to you humbly, feeling somewhat inadequate at tackling this subject. I do not have answers but I do have a story.

One of my dearest friends announced she is pregnant. I've not seen her in 4 months. We've chatted on the phone; she's busy, I'm busy, this happened, that happened. Truth is, I'm avoiding being around her.  Lately I've been surrounded by too many pregnant women and babies.  They are glowing. They are all so painfully happy. They are not me, they have what I cannot. They are whole. Their bodies work. Mine does not. I am broken.  As much as I love her, she is living out the thing I can no longer live and had hoped so deeply for. She gets her heart's desire actualized. My heart is just messy and aching.

I married young with dreams of wife and mother defining my life's role. We got pregnant 10 months into marriage. It was sooner than expected but we settled into preparing for the beginnings of expanding our family. Not a part of the preparations: a baby in breach position and a scheduled C-section. There were complications. Then, in a last ditch-effort to save a life, there was a hysterectomy.  Nyomi was born while I almost bled out on the table.  I woke up after surgery asking for my baby, finding out she would be my only one. My body didn't die, but part of my soul did. 
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I was rocked that day in such a way that it would take years for the healing to begin. I have experienced the scary depths of medicated depression, anger at God so startling it shocked me to my core and caused me to question everything I held-up as truth, disbelief and denial that I was dealt this cruel card and barring-up-under the deep ache of living in the hollow space of broken dreams. What I had thought was my life's purpose no longer was. It had been snatched away. I was being asked to drink of a cup I didn't want. I don't know how many times I asked; "how could this have happened to me, why this, why me?" 

Almost seven years in and the healing is still being written into my story. There are moments when I still feel so deeply. The surprise and swiftness of the sucker-punches set me back a bit, but no longer devastate. Time is kind, but the living out of this space can be tough some days. 

Just the other week a woman unintentionally did what so many have done before. We were casually talking about contentment in various seasons of life and before I knew it she'd whipped out the scripture card and the "you can be thankful you have one" line and then there was, "if God cares for the sparrows...” and "if God closes one door another one will open." There it was, pat and trite. I felt my heart clench and realized I was holding my breath. "Exhale" I said to the heart, "breathe". I pasted on a tight smile and thanked her, I'm not sure why. I guess that's the prescribed way to escape a hurtful 'Christian(ized)' conversation. 

Later when I reflected on this individual's life I realized that her's has been a straight road with few bumps, a doting husband and darling children... Children. She has not walked a footstep in my shoes. I cannot hold that against her. But inasmuch, let me be as bold to suggest a few things you can do if you find yourself brushing shoulders with "someone like me". 

When there is a person bearing-up under something that you cannot possibly imagine, don't preach at them.  Stop giving pat answers or for that matter don't give any answers.  Just love them. That may look like silence and a listening ear, maybe a shoulder for the tears, a hug or words, words not of false understanding but kind support. If she shares her story with you don't offer up your silence because you don't know what to say, extend an: "I'm so sorry, that must be really tough" or " I can't imagine what your going through" or whatever sounds like love. Send her an, "I'm thinking and praying for you" note, let her know on those days when it feels like no one else in the world aches the way she does that she's on someone's mind. Responding to someone else in the midst of their pain means giving a bit of yourself, extending yourself, offering up what you do have... your time, your kindness, your compassion.

"A Death Blow is a Life Blow to Some..." (Emily Dickinson).  The death of my dreams and what I thought equaled a good, rich, fulfilling life is what it is took to truly wake me up. I thought I could get through life by faking it, striving, keeping everything together by clenching tighter and keeping my chin up. But my Lover just wanted me. The real me. The undone messy me. 
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You see, it's there in the mess that He can showcase His glory.  As devastating as it is some days to sit with this neck-deep muck of what is; I feel, no, I KNOW that I am loved, well loved. My Lover keeps bringing me back to these hollow places because I continue looking for nourishment from all the other dry wells I can find; business, over-commitment, Facebook, housework, relationships, appointments... Anything but dealing with my heart. My deepest fears. Guilt. My bareness. Sitting with the truth of my insides  has shaken-up some deep-rooted issues. I'm seeing my heart for the breeding ground it's become. Prone to performance and striving, complaining and control, fearing the unknown, failure and falling-short. 

The death of this one thing I'd hung my hat on has shaken me to life, brought me to my knees, drained me of self so I can be filled from the One Well that never runs dry. My Lover will keep bringing me back to this place until I choose to drink, deep, from this cup He's given and says is good. In fact, His very best for me. The taste is bitter, not what I wanted, this broken womb but this is MY cup and so I will drink. I will surrender to what is. 

I will accept and stop fighting, for only I can choose to give power to my pain or to my healing and my freedom. Paula D'arcy in the penning of her own journey writes the following, "I slowly begin to understand that it is up to me to choose how I will respond to this pain. I can let it eat me...or I can let go of my assumptions about how life should be and search for the beauty in what life is."
22 Comments
judy link
10/18/2013 09:45:42 pm

Jessica, This is one of the best written pieces I have ever read on the subject you shared. It is profound! It is wisdom in the midst of life, and it hopefully will help all of us to never offer our little pat answers, but instead to offer ourselves, our time to listen, and most of all to share our God's amazing love to those we come in contact with. I am so grateful for the ability God gave you, to open up your heart and share it with each of us. You...who to look at your beautiful self, one would never guess the heartache down inside your being. I pray that God continues to use you in ways you never
dreamt possible.

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twomenandtheirlady
10/18/2013 09:59:03 pm

Thank you! Thank you for pointing out that in the mess, God can showcase His glory. When I am weak, then, in Christ, I am strong. And thank you for reminding that sometimes silence is the best support...women so often feel that they need to SAY something to fix. Thank you for your honest words.

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Terri
10/18/2013 10:11:28 pm

Beautiful, Jess...The warring of what is wanted against what is reality has etched a beauty in you that you are unaware of. It does not only reflect off of what can be seen, but it is spilling out of the depths of you...it IS good, and it is genuine. "The beauty in what life is.."

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Carla
10/18/2013 10:43:15 pm

Beautifully written Jess. Your life is an encouragement to me, and your raw honesty and humility in response to the road you wouldn't have chosen challenge me. Thanks for sharing your story--you are the real deal.

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Jen
10/18/2013 11:00:16 pm

Jess - you glorify and seek God with your life story, and that is what He desires from us. Love you girl - thank you for your courage in writing from the heart, from the gut, raw. It is not easy - but you have blessed many.

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Kristen link
10/19/2013 12:24:39 am

This is absolutely beautiful. Thank you for the raw, honest truth.

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Evelyn
10/19/2013 12:44:10 am

Beautiful post. Jess I admire you so much and in the midst of heartache you have encouraged so many...me included! I love the advice in this article as well. you are so very beautiful. much love my friend...may our Father continue to flow out of you and into others.

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Holley
10/19/2013 04:55:16 am

I also am "drinking from a cup I would not choose" and your words were much needed today. An altogether different situation but one that has me reeling and mourning for how life was "supposed" to be. Thank you for wiring this, it has helped a lot.

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Jessica Stoppard
10/19/2013 06:19:04 am

Holly, I don't know what your facing that has so rocked your world but I want to let you know I am truly sorry. I pray you are met in the midst of this season by the One who loves you in the truest deepest way.

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Jenny
10/19/2013 04:57:06 am

Dear Jess, I have watched your journey somewhat from afar. I just want to say that I really am sorry. I am so glad you share openly about what it feels like, because people need to know. You have walked beautifully, even in the imperfections.

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Jessica Stoppard
10/19/2013 06:23:24 am

Thank you all, for your kind and sweet words. It means a lot to know that out of our own story we can encourage others. We all have a story, a journey, what a gift it is to be able to connect in the midst of them. Love to you all!

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Misty
10/19/2013 06:49:29 am

Thank you for sharing. This touches a spot in my heart where I have a huge ache. I love how you pointed how that God will show his glory in what we call a mess.

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Jessica Stoppard
10/19/2013 07:18:54 am

Oh Misty, I am so sorry. You are walking such a difficult road. I cannot imagine. I will be praying for your heart, for the strength to do this journey. He is in the middle of it all.

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Beverly
10/19/2013 07:29:00 am

Your Journey through the difficult & painful has been tough ~ Although it "Has Blessed My Heart" to see you choose to process alongside of... and through the Grid of the Lord - You've been an encouragement to me!

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Susie Fink
10/19/2013 08:25:59 am

Jess,
Thank you for sharing such a personal story and being willing to share. I have married a man with 3 boys and we are raising all 3 full time. All my life I have wanted to have children and be a "mom". Last month I found out I was pregnant and then 2 weeks latter I lost the baby. I too found Christians giving me pat answers telling me "its all in God's plan", "he doesn't give you more than you can handle"....But really like you, I just needed a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. Thank you again for sharing your story!

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Sarah Gingrich
10/19/2013 11:40:50 am

Kintsukoroi, "to repair with gold" in Japanese. A method of repairing broken pottery with gold, understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken. There are a million ways to be broken; we'll experience many of them in our lives if we live long ones. But one Redeemer, one Master Artisan, one Healer, making the broken beautiful. God's peace be with you.

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Rose
10/22/2013 04:33:14 am

Wow! Powerfully encouraging words that touch my heart! I've never heard it said like this before! Thank you for putting God given words of wisdom to this pain experience. Its a bit different for us (my husband & I) but we/I have been there! Our story does involve infertility, then adoption and then circumstances beyond our control closed the door to further adoption, at least for now! I have been told those oh so encouraging words (said with sarcasm) " at least you have your boys!" Yes, I am grateful for the 2 I have but what about the little girl my heart has so deeply desired for so many years?! God is healing us, He is showing us His love, He is Good ( I am getting to a place I can finally say that and MEAN it), its just sometimes the journey here is rough, really rough and sometimes so few people know how to speak in love to these situations in our lives! So thank you for your words of love from someone who has been there!

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Jessica
10/27/2013 05:16:53 am

You are so welcome Rose! That you are coming into a place to hold your unfulfilled longings with an open hand is a beautiful wide open place. Continue breathing deeply. There is freedom in the acceptance.

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Pearl Lapp
10/22/2013 05:11:39 am

I know. I care. My peace comes from my Father, knowing He knows when I hurt. I find comfort in searching His Promises. I wanted a big family. My sister was 4 yrs. older, my brother 6 yrs. younger. So I would have many children, close in age. "Not my will but thine be done"!!! John 14 :27 " " Does Jesus Care? Oh Yes, He Cares. His heart is touched with my grief"--- a song. I was never pregnant. It seemed like that was all my friends talked about their pregnancies, their children. BUT the Lord blessed us with two adopted children, who have brought so much JOY!!!

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thailandgal
10/23/2013 10:33:54 am

Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your story. Parts of it is my story. You've put words to the pain in my heart and soul. 3 yrs later I'm still sifting through the pieces of shattered dreams. Asking the hard questions. Still struggling to find God in it all. I guess I"m still struggling to surrender. To let go of what was supposed to be and accept what is. To find purpose and meaning in my life once again. You've challenged me to try to believe that I am loved and that God can take the mess of my life and receive glory from it....if I am willing to let him bring redemption into my pain. God Bless!

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Jessica
10/27/2013 05:23:30 am

Oh sweet friend, I feel the pain your written words. My heart aches for yours. It's OK to struggle with what is. It's OK not to have it all together . It's OK to be a mess. Lean into this. I promise you that in the very center of it all you are being held and well loved. I will be praying for you to know this fully and to simply be able to put one foot in front of the other as you continue on and do what is life. Hugs to you.

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Katie
1/9/2014 11:44:03 pm

There are no words to describe how you feel when you discover that the life plans you have made from childhood, the dream of bringing another life into this world is taken from you. Suddenly you question your purpose. The day we received the news I chose to bury the sadness, run from the pain and not look back. We have a beautiful adopted daughter who, 28 years later, has filled every void, mended every crack, and has brought complete joy every single day to our lives. It was meant to be that we found each other.

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    Jessica

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    Inspired by all things beautiful, Jessica loves MAC makeup, strong coffee (in her favorite Anthropologie mug), a great read, and a wicked good pair of stilettos. As a professional Makeup Artist  and Esthetician, she is inspired by working with color, style and design in all it's forms and a great sale speaks her language enabling her to recreate looks she loves for less. It's the inner workings of a woman's soul  and the beauty found there that most inspire Jessica both personally and 
    professionally . As a woman who's lived through broken expectations and a mother of a child with unique needs Jessica clings to grace and looks for joy and beauty found in everyday moments. She writes from  a real and authentic place, where her words will not only invite us to look inward but will inspire us to cultivate the beauty found there.
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