I am big and fat and pregnant, and let me tell you, I am loving it. The fact that there is a real, live person growing inside of me is a crazy miracle. And we’ve wanted this baby for quite a while, so the fact that I get to carry him in my belly is a massive blessing. I have it pretty easy when it comes to being pregnant and right now I’m at the phase where I feel great. I’m only 26 weeks along, but my belly is already huge – and I’ve got at least 14 more weeks of growing to do. Because I’m built like a 12-year-old-boy, I have no hips, no butt and toothpick legs. This makes the belly protrude even more prominently and let me tell you, I am getting some comments – mostly from perfect strangers. Since this is our third time around the track, these remarks are getting a little old. So, from the couch where I am currently parked, I am going to do pregnant women across the globe a huge service: I am going to type out very clearly to you, reader, what not to say to us when we are in the process of growing a tiny human.
1. “Oh my gosh you’re so big!” or “You’re huge!” or anything of the sort. Before I had children, I often made the horrible mistake of saying this to pregnant women whom I loved. Now, looking back, I wish I could jump in a time travel machine and slap my ignorant self across the face. You never EVER tell a woman she looks huge – pregnancy does not nullify this rule.
2. “I labored for 4 days” or “I pushed for 17 hours” or “My daughter presented feet-first. Well, just the left foot…the doctor had to go up and find the right foot” or any other labor horror story that is going to make my lady parts hurt before they need to. I get it, ok? Labor is painful. It’s going to practically rip my body in half. It’s out of my control, and it’s not something I am looking forward to. I do not want to hear your tale of agony and distress – it is not helpful. *A word to pregnant women: I give you permission to interrupt people who want to tell you their horror stories. Do not let them finish. Tell them you’re trusting God for a beautiful birth and then change the subject – you do not need to hear their gory, exaggerated tales from the crypt, you need to hear peaceful birth stories.
3. “You’re having another baby!?” or “Did you really want 3 children?” or anything else that implies that I’m crazy for doing this again. Now, seriously, 3 kids isn’t a lot, is it? Come on, people! I’m on my third kid, I’m hardly up there with Michelle Duggar. As I was walking out the door to go to work a few weeks ago, a neighborhood acquaintance spotted my belly and yelled from afar in complete disbelief, “You’re having ANOTHER ONE?!?!” and I was like, ”Yup!” And then crickets chirped and her mouth just hung wide open as I continued on my way. If you’re going to ask that question, at least follow it up with a little feigned excitement.
4. “Were you trying?” or any other such question that informs me that you know how babies are made. Were we trying? Do you really want me to answer that? If so, how exactly should I reply? “No, we weren’t trying. We don’t want this baby” or “Yes, we tried every.single.night for the last 6 months” seem to be equally awkward responses, don’t you agree? *Side Note: This “were you trying” nonsense is equally inappropriate after a woman has lost a baby from miscarriage. Whether or not she was trying, she is devastated about the loss, so give her a hug, tell her you’re sorry and leave it at that.
5. “I hope you’re having a girl” or “I hope you’re having a boy” or any other phrase that makes the pregnant mama feel like her child’s gender, if it’s not what YOU are hoping for, will not be good enough. We have 2 boys and are pregnant with our 3rd. Before we found out #3’s gender, I cannot tell you how many “wishes” we got for a girl. Or comments like, “I bet you’re hoping for a girl.” No, I am not hoping for a girl because IT ALREADY IS WHAT IT IS. It’s asinine to “hope” for something that IS. And guess what, I’m having a boy! Oh my, how disappointed some people were…one lady even said, “noooooooo!” when I told her it was a boy. What am I supposed to say to that? We are thrilled to be having another boy! And anyway, I am so glad that I don’t have to make the decision regarding our baby’s gender – God knows what our family should look like and I trust him to give me what he sees fit. What I HOPE for is a healthy baby.
6. “You think you’re tired now, just wait ‘till the baby gets here!” This is a particularly popular phrase that is most often directed at first-timers. This is just mean, people. Mean, I tell you. Please.Stop.Saying.It.
7. “Are you guys done or will you have more?” or the ever popular, “So are you going to try for a girl now?” A word to the wise: Do not ask me about my hypothetical NEXT child while I am in the midst of cooking THIS child. People who ask this question either have not experienced or do not remember the fatigue, pain and anxiety that come with pregnancy, birth and the postpartum period. Even though I love being pregnant, I’m going to need 2 years and a good nap before I even consider doing this again.
8. When the end of pregnancy draws nigh, people like to ask the most intellectually-stimulating question of all: “No baby yet, huh?” Let me tell you a secret: you will know when the baby comes. Your first clue will be that I will have a baby in my arms. That is how you will know that the baby has arrived. Until then, when you see my empty arms and shockingly enormous belly, you can (silently) assume that no, ‘no baby yet.’ If you don’t want to be punched in the face by a fat, exhausted, hormonal woman, do not ask this question.
Friends, let’s all of us resist our completely natural urges to gawk, stare at and make obnoxious comments to the women who are growing the teeny tiny humans. Instead, smile genuinely and say phrases like these:
1. "Congratulations!!" At the beginning, that's all we need. Trust me. This is the part where you refrain from asking us if we were trying.
2. “You are beautiful!” or “Pregnancy looks so good on you!” Yeah, we Preggos love that.
3. “You have such cute kids, I’m so glad you’re having another one” Even if it’s not true, lie. Or keep your mouth shut.
4. “Hang in there, mama, you’re doing great” or any other such encouragement. Thanks, we appreciate it. It’s hard and we need your support.
5. “You’re glowing!” We all know that this is a lie and I’m not sure what it even means, but tell us anyway.
6.. “What do you need?” or “How can I help?” or “Here, I made you dinner” Some of the tiny human growers are worn out, stressed out and just don’t have enough support; so show some.
Let my words serve as a warning lest you are ever tempted to make small talk and use one or more of the no-no phrases with a pregnant woman (I'm talking to you, check-out clerk at Lowes). If you do forget your manners, don't be caught off guard by the speed at which a fist flies at your face from the large with-child woman who will inevitably then waddle away.
1. “Oh my gosh you’re so big!” or “You’re huge!” or anything of the sort. Before I had children, I often made the horrible mistake of saying this to pregnant women whom I loved. Now, looking back, I wish I could jump in a time travel machine and slap my ignorant self across the face. You never EVER tell a woman she looks huge – pregnancy does not nullify this rule.
2. “I labored for 4 days” or “I pushed for 17 hours” or “My daughter presented feet-first. Well, just the left foot…the doctor had to go up and find the right foot” or any other labor horror story that is going to make my lady parts hurt before they need to. I get it, ok? Labor is painful. It’s going to practically rip my body in half. It’s out of my control, and it’s not something I am looking forward to. I do not want to hear your tale of agony and distress – it is not helpful. *A word to pregnant women: I give you permission to interrupt people who want to tell you their horror stories. Do not let them finish. Tell them you’re trusting God for a beautiful birth and then change the subject – you do not need to hear their gory, exaggerated tales from the crypt, you need to hear peaceful birth stories.
3. “You’re having another baby!?” or “Did you really want 3 children?” or anything else that implies that I’m crazy for doing this again. Now, seriously, 3 kids isn’t a lot, is it? Come on, people! I’m on my third kid, I’m hardly up there with Michelle Duggar. As I was walking out the door to go to work a few weeks ago, a neighborhood acquaintance spotted my belly and yelled from afar in complete disbelief, “You’re having ANOTHER ONE?!?!” and I was like, ”Yup!” And then crickets chirped and her mouth just hung wide open as I continued on my way. If you’re going to ask that question, at least follow it up with a little feigned excitement.
4. “Were you trying?” or any other such question that informs me that you know how babies are made. Were we trying? Do you really want me to answer that? If so, how exactly should I reply? “No, we weren’t trying. We don’t want this baby” or “Yes, we tried every.single.night for the last 6 months” seem to be equally awkward responses, don’t you agree? *Side Note: This “were you trying” nonsense is equally inappropriate after a woman has lost a baby from miscarriage. Whether or not she was trying, she is devastated about the loss, so give her a hug, tell her you’re sorry and leave it at that.
5. “I hope you’re having a girl” or “I hope you’re having a boy” or any other phrase that makes the pregnant mama feel like her child’s gender, if it’s not what YOU are hoping for, will not be good enough. We have 2 boys and are pregnant with our 3rd. Before we found out #3’s gender, I cannot tell you how many “wishes” we got for a girl. Or comments like, “I bet you’re hoping for a girl.” No, I am not hoping for a girl because IT ALREADY IS WHAT IT IS. It’s asinine to “hope” for something that IS. And guess what, I’m having a boy! Oh my, how disappointed some people were…one lady even said, “noooooooo!” when I told her it was a boy. What am I supposed to say to that? We are thrilled to be having another boy! And anyway, I am so glad that I don’t have to make the decision regarding our baby’s gender – God knows what our family should look like and I trust him to give me what he sees fit. What I HOPE for is a healthy baby.
6. “You think you’re tired now, just wait ‘till the baby gets here!” This is a particularly popular phrase that is most often directed at first-timers. This is just mean, people. Mean, I tell you. Please.Stop.Saying.It.
7. “Are you guys done or will you have more?” or the ever popular, “So are you going to try for a girl now?” A word to the wise: Do not ask me about my hypothetical NEXT child while I am in the midst of cooking THIS child. People who ask this question either have not experienced or do not remember the fatigue, pain and anxiety that come with pregnancy, birth and the postpartum period. Even though I love being pregnant, I’m going to need 2 years and a good nap before I even consider doing this again.
8. When the end of pregnancy draws nigh, people like to ask the most intellectually-stimulating question of all: “No baby yet, huh?” Let me tell you a secret: you will know when the baby comes. Your first clue will be that I will have a baby in my arms. That is how you will know that the baby has arrived. Until then, when you see my empty arms and shockingly enormous belly, you can (silently) assume that no, ‘no baby yet.’ If you don’t want to be punched in the face by a fat, exhausted, hormonal woman, do not ask this question.
Friends, let’s all of us resist our completely natural urges to gawk, stare at and make obnoxious comments to the women who are growing the teeny tiny humans. Instead, smile genuinely and say phrases like these:
1. "Congratulations!!" At the beginning, that's all we need. Trust me. This is the part where you refrain from asking us if we were trying.
2. “You are beautiful!” or “Pregnancy looks so good on you!” Yeah, we Preggos love that.
3. “You have such cute kids, I’m so glad you’re having another one” Even if it’s not true, lie. Or keep your mouth shut.
4. “Hang in there, mama, you’re doing great” or any other such encouragement. Thanks, we appreciate it. It’s hard and we need your support.
5. “You’re glowing!” We all know that this is a lie and I’m not sure what it even means, but tell us anyway.
6.. “What do you need?” or “How can I help?” or “Here, I made you dinner” Some of the tiny human growers are worn out, stressed out and just don’t have enough support; so show some.
Let my words serve as a warning lest you are ever tempted to make small talk and use one or more of the no-no phrases with a pregnant woman (I'm talking to you, check-out clerk at Lowes). If you do forget your manners, don't be caught off guard by the speed at which a fist flies at your face from the large with-child woman who will inevitably then waddle away.
