Heidi, a practicing physician at a family practice in Pennsylvania, is a wife of 32 years, a mother to 3 children and a 9.5 year breast cancer survivor. In her time away from her practice, she enjoys travel, watercolor, gardening and making medical missions trips to Jamaica.
Sometimes people ask me both as a survivor and as a physician, how they can help someone going through all this. I think this depends on what a person’s “healing style” is. I find people fall largely in to two categories.
There is the person who just wants to go in a cave and lick their wounds
and come out when they are ready to deal with the world and move on.
I have this cavewoman mentality. For us it takes energy to be polite,
appreciative and interactive when people call or come to visit. At times I know I have hurt people who loved me because I just wanted to be left alone and they wanted to help.
The other type person really thrives when they are nurtured and attended to, just absorbing all that love and building on the energy. Neither is right or wrong, just different. If you think about it, usually you can figure out your friend/loved one’s type and then adjust your support accordingly.
Regardless of type, and regardless of stage of recovery, everyone wants and needs to know that someone cares. Unless you are best friends or an immediate family member, I think the best method is an old fashioned, non-electronic card, signed in your handwriting and stuck in an envelope you can lick shut. I say this because the person can open, read, reread, and enjoy it on their timetable, not yours. It is concrete and tangible. If you can’t think of any intimate word of encouragement (perhaps you don’t know her that well) a Bible verse to meditate on is good. If you have one, stick in a picture of you and her together. Remember some of the toughest days are two to six months after she is diagnosed, so send another card. You don’t always have to make it a get well card. Sometimes the healing person just wants normal chit chat.
If your healing person is the nurture-empowered type, do go visit. Sometimes this is hard and scary if they have lost their hair, lost weight and their color isn’t good or they have the drains and ports you cannot overlook. She will just appreciate the normalness of your visit. But keep it brief as it does require more energy than you think when you are running at the margin. Better to come back more often and keep it short.
Another way to show love is the carry in meal. I think this works for both types of healing person. One suggestion I would make is to remember your healing person may not be able to eat the food you bring for her family. She is glad she doesn’t have to cook for them and appreciates your care but her needs may be different if she is nauseated or recovering from surgery when protein requirements are higher. Maybe make an egg custard for her or chicken noodle soup. How about a loaf of homemade bread and some herbal tea bags for tea and toast when she feels hungry? Bring things that are mild, easily digestible and that can be “picked at” or reheated multiple times. If it the right season to pick some flowers from your garden, stick some in an old salad dressing bottle you were going to throw away anyway and brighten up the presentation of her food. I highly recommend sending food in containers that do not need to be returned for obvious reasons.
One of my favorite blessings was when a friend paid for her housecleaner to come and clean anything I wanted for 4 hours. The reason this worked so well is that “cavewoman me” did not need to “entertain” a friend for 4 hours. (The cavewoman will feel like she has to help if a friend is doing her work.) I had felt guilty I wasn’t keeping up with household duties so it needed to be done. Since the cleaning lady was an old order member, my friend had to drop her off and pick her up so we had a few quick minutes to share and in the end I really enjoyed the time with my new friend/ cleaner, as she would touch base with me periodically and get another task to tick off the list. I know this was a very generous gift, but perhaps several people could go together to hire someone.
If your healing person is married and has kids, don’t forget about them. Here’s where you can recruit your husband/father/brother to give her husband a break to go have a beer or play some golf or go to a game. Guys don’t usually talk much but they do worry. They worry they are not doing “it” right. They worry they cannot alleviate their wife’s pain. They grow weary of trying to be strong and give updates for the millionth time as people ask about her. Sometimes they feel worried about things they feel selfish for thinking about: What if she dies and leaves me alone with these little kids? Your guy can give him the chance to vent and feel normal.
Depending on the age of the children, arrange a play date and take the
kids for a day. Even if your healing person’s mother/sister/someone has come to care for the kids and household, she will occasionally need a break too. If the kids are teenagers, especially girls, offer to take them out for a grown-up, heart to heart coffee/latte chat. They will have questions to verbalize like “What happens if mom dies? Will I get this?” All are legitimate, but she may be afraid to discuss with them with her mom. And teen girls usually take on the responsibility for being “the mom” for the family, whether they are ready or not. Help them know there are people who care, who will fill in the gaps, so they can still be just a kid most of the time.
I have a last suggestion for you tech savvy readers. For many of us in our
fifth-plus decade, just logging on and viewing a Facebook page is work. Offer to set up and maintain a blog for your healing person so people know how to care for her and leave messages of encouragement. I am currently following 2 friends on a website called caringbridge.com where the healing person or their family can post progress notes and, after logging insecurely, people can send notes back. If this is not available around here I am sure there is something like it, it is just a matter of someone taking the time to set up and get going.
Please comment and add suggestions from your own best “cared for” or "caring" experiences!
There is the person who just wants to go in a cave and lick their wounds
and come out when they are ready to deal with the world and move on.
I have this cavewoman mentality. For us it takes energy to be polite,
appreciative and interactive when people call or come to visit. At times I know I have hurt people who loved me because I just wanted to be left alone and they wanted to help.
The other type person really thrives when they are nurtured and attended to, just absorbing all that love and building on the energy. Neither is right or wrong, just different. If you think about it, usually you can figure out your friend/loved one’s type and then adjust your support accordingly.
Regardless of type, and regardless of stage of recovery, everyone wants and needs to know that someone cares. Unless you are best friends or an immediate family member, I think the best method is an old fashioned, non-electronic card, signed in your handwriting and stuck in an envelope you can lick shut. I say this because the person can open, read, reread, and enjoy it on their timetable, not yours. It is concrete and tangible. If you can’t think of any intimate word of encouragement (perhaps you don’t know her that well) a Bible verse to meditate on is good. If you have one, stick in a picture of you and her together. Remember some of the toughest days are two to six months after she is diagnosed, so send another card. You don’t always have to make it a get well card. Sometimes the healing person just wants normal chit chat.
If your healing person is the nurture-empowered type, do go visit. Sometimes this is hard and scary if they have lost their hair, lost weight and their color isn’t good or they have the drains and ports you cannot overlook. She will just appreciate the normalness of your visit. But keep it brief as it does require more energy than you think when you are running at the margin. Better to come back more often and keep it short.
Another way to show love is the carry in meal. I think this works for both types of healing person. One suggestion I would make is to remember your healing person may not be able to eat the food you bring for her family. She is glad she doesn’t have to cook for them and appreciates your care but her needs may be different if she is nauseated or recovering from surgery when protein requirements are higher. Maybe make an egg custard for her or chicken noodle soup. How about a loaf of homemade bread and some herbal tea bags for tea and toast when she feels hungry? Bring things that are mild, easily digestible and that can be “picked at” or reheated multiple times. If it the right season to pick some flowers from your garden, stick some in an old salad dressing bottle you were going to throw away anyway and brighten up the presentation of her food. I highly recommend sending food in containers that do not need to be returned for obvious reasons.
One of my favorite blessings was when a friend paid for her housecleaner to come and clean anything I wanted for 4 hours. The reason this worked so well is that “cavewoman me” did not need to “entertain” a friend for 4 hours. (The cavewoman will feel like she has to help if a friend is doing her work.) I had felt guilty I wasn’t keeping up with household duties so it needed to be done. Since the cleaning lady was an old order member, my friend had to drop her off and pick her up so we had a few quick minutes to share and in the end I really enjoyed the time with my new friend/ cleaner, as she would touch base with me periodically and get another task to tick off the list. I know this was a very generous gift, but perhaps several people could go together to hire someone.
If your healing person is married and has kids, don’t forget about them. Here’s where you can recruit your husband/father/brother to give her husband a break to go have a beer or play some golf or go to a game. Guys don’t usually talk much but they do worry. They worry they are not doing “it” right. They worry they cannot alleviate their wife’s pain. They grow weary of trying to be strong and give updates for the millionth time as people ask about her. Sometimes they feel worried about things they feel selfish for thinking about: What if she dies and leaves me alone with these little kids? Your guy can give him the chance to vent and feel normal.
Depending on the age of the children, arrange a play date and take the
kids for a day. Even if your healing person’s mother/sister/someone has come to care for the kids and household, she will occasionally need a break too. If the kids are teenagers, especially girls, offer to take them out for a grown-up, heart to heart coffee/latte chat. They will have questions to verbalize like “What happens if mom dies? Will I get this?” All are legitimate, but she may be afraid to discuss with them with her mom. And teen girls usually take on the responsibility for being “the mom” for the family, whether they are ready or not. Help them know there are people who care, who will fill in the gaps, so they can still be just a kid most of the time.
I have a last suggestion for you tech savvy readers. For many of us in our
fifth-plus decade, just logging on and viewing a Facebook page is work. Offer to set up and maintain a blog for your healing person so people know how to care for her and leave messages of encouragement. I am currently following 2 friends on a website called caringbridge.com where the healing person or their family can post progress notes and, after logging insecurely, people can send notes back. If this is not available around here I am sure there is something like it, it is just a matter of someone taking the time to set up and get going.
Please comment and add suggestions from your own best “cared for” or "caring" experiences!
