Long before I came to write in this neighborhood, I had the life I had always dreamed of. I had met, fallen in love with and married my high school boyfriend. We had eagerly welcomed three little people into our world and called ourselves a family. Life was good, and so normal and so happy. We were not perfect but we loved each other and that made it good.
Having kids changed us a little...or maybe a lot. I poured myself into being a full time mommy and I loved it- it felt right. It was what I had always dreamed of. He worked hard to put ample food on our table and pay the bills, with even a little extra left over to spare. We worked through the transition of adding each new baby and found a rhythm that worked for us. And even when there was conflict, we loved each other and that made it good.
Ten years into my dream life, a phone call in the middle of the night changed all that was, into something I didn't know what to do with. The foundation of my little family cracked deeply and began to fall apart around me. I was devastated. And deeply disappointed in someone I trusted so completely to lead our family. My heart literally ached. It was so sudden and so final.
And just like that, our family of five shrunk instantly to just four.
For weeks I questioned where things had gone wrong. How someone else had crept in the middle of my marriage without my knowing it. I questioned my own beauty, my intelligence, my worth. I cried tears of brokenness and anguish. Tears of a dream snatched away. Tears for my children who watched, and listened and witnessed too much. Tears for our future and all that was about to change out of our control.
I constantly looked on either side of me and saw three little people watching my every move with wide-eyed stares. Little people who sometimes climbed in bed with me at night. Who saw my tears and heard my cries. Who slept through the middle-of-the-night phone calls from an angry man betrayed by my husband. Who thankfully never saw me literally shaking from the sense that the enemy of our souls had entered our house and tried to destroy us all.
Even now, almost 15 years later, I can still shudder to recall those traumatic first days. If I let my mind go there, my stomach still tenses with the memories of the rejection...my once wounded heart still bares the marks of the scars that have long healed over. The loss of a dream takes the wind right out of you. And even though my place here in this neighborhood is to tell you that scars heal and hope restores the soul, I'd be a liar if I didn't tell you that the road to acceptance and joy is long and windy. And sometimes the thing you feel would complete the healing and redeem the past just doesn't come. Sometimes part of the healing is being asked to say YES to the loneliness of singleness because it's where God can be glorified best. And sometimes that makes no sense even to me and I'm the one who just wrote it.
It's not my desire to share anything here that dishonors my kids' dad. That's not my job or my intention. As a matter of fact, he is just a puzzle piece in the story of my life. Long ago I made a {hesitant} promise to the LORD that I would share my story if I was asked. If it brought hope to someone else and was able to bring Glory to His Name in the process. I realize now that all of the details of my past are really just a launching point for God to show off His heart. Because the day had to come when I stopped wondering HOW I was going to make it and just START making it...one scary footstep at a time.
I don't remember the moment I decided we were going to be okay if it took every ounce of my sanity, but somewhere along the way I decided to give it a go and walk forward. I came to the place where I wanted my children to be WHOLE and not feel as though they were walking around with a hole. And I knew that it was going to take more than I had in me for that to happen. I knew that they needed a mom who was engaged and present. A mom who had a strong and healthy heart- whose eyes were fixed on God and His promises of provision and peace. I knew it wasn't going to come quickly or easily, but I also knew that it was my job to not only raise my kids, but to raise them well.
And it happened... slowly, that our little family of four began to heal and find hope again. We cried our fair share of tears together, sitting on that little green couch in the back room. We prayed for God to show up in our lives, and He did. We talked to Him like He was right there with us. And He was. And right there, at that place, God took over where I left off, and the story of our lives began to turn.
And He's still taking over. Even though two of my children have grown out of our home and one is trying her best to join them. He's still providing for our needs and showing me how to walk forward into an unknown tomorrow. He still IS, because I am not. And I'm still learning to let Him lead me. I'm still learning to be ME, and to be content with where things are today. And I'm learning, still, to just keep moving forward in blind obedience.
And even though life is sometimes hard and lonely, there is JOY in our home and gratitude in our hearts. Because the circumstances of life don't get to define us or dictate who we will become. We get to choose how we will react to them and we get to choose to be well in spite of them. The road has had some unexpected turns along the way and I suspect there will be more to come, so I make it a practice to daily set my attention on God's grace for just this one day, and then the next.
And I choose LIFE and a healthy heart and a peace-filled home....I choose to follow God wherever this unexpected journey takes me. Even when it hurts.
Even when all is not well in my life
It is well with my soul...
Having kids changed us a little...or maybe a lot. I poured myself into being a full time mommy and I loved it- it felt right. It was what I had always dreamed of. He worked hard to put ample food on our table and pay the bills, with even a little extra left over to spare. We worked through the transition of adding each new baby and found a rhythm that worked for us. And even when there was conflict, we loved each other and that made it good.
Ten years into my dream life, a phone call in the middle of the night changed all that was, into something I didn't know what to do with. The foundation of my little family cracked deeply and began to fall apart around me. I was devastated. And deeply disappointed in someone I trusted so completely to lead our family. My heart literally ached. It was so sudden and so final.
And just like that, our family of five shrunk instantly to just four.
For weeks I questioned where things had gone wrong. How someone else had crept in the middle of my marriage without my knowing it. I questioned my own beauty, my intelligence, my worth. I cried tears of brokenness and anguish. Tears of a dream snatched away. Tears for my children who watched, and listened and witnessed too much. Tears for our future and all that was about to change out of our control.
I constantly looked on either side of me and saw three little people watching my every move with wide-eyed stares. Little people who sometimes climbed in bed with me at night. Who saw my tears and heard my cries. Who slept through the middle-of-the-night phone calls from an angry man betrayed by my husband. Who thankfully never saw me literally shaking from the sense that the enemy of our souls had entered our house and tried to destroy us all.
Even now, almost 15 years later, I can still shudder to recall those traumatic first days. If I let my mind go there, my stomach still tenses with the memories of the rejection...my once wounded heart still bares the marks of the scars that have long healed over. The loss of a dream takes the wind right out of you. And even though my place here in this neighborhood is to tell you that scars heal and hope restores the soul, I'd be a liar if I didn't tell you that the road to acceptance and joy is long and windy. And sometimes the thing you feel would complete the healing and redeem the past just doesn't come. Sometimes part of the healing is being asked to say YES to the loneliness of singleness because it's where God can be glorified best. And sometimes that makes no sense even to me and I'm the one who just wrote it.
It's not my desire to share anything here that dishonors my kids' dad. That's not my job or my intention. As a matter of fact, he is just a puzzle piece in the story of my life. Long ago I made a {hesitant} promise to the LORD that I would share my story if I was asked. If it brought hope to someone else and was able to bring Glory to His Name in the process. I realize now that all of the details of my past are really just a launching point for God to show off His heart. Because the day had to come when I stopped wondering HOW I was going to make it and just START making it...one scary footstep at a time.
I don't remember the moment I decided we were going to be okay if it took every ounce of my sanity, but somewhere along the way I decided to give it a go and walk forward. I came to the place where I wanted my children to be WHOLE and not feel as though they were walking around with a hole. And I knew that it was going to take more than I had in me for that to happen. I knew that they needed a mom who was engaged and present. A mom who had a strong and healthy heart- whose eyes were fixed on God and His promises of provision and peace. I knew it wasn't going to come quickly or easily, but I also knew that it was my job to not only raise my kids, but to raise them well.
And it happened... slowly, that our little family of four began to heal and find hope again. We cried our fair share of tears together, sitting on that little green couch in the back room. We prayed for God to show up in our lives, and He did. We talked to Him like He was right there with us. And He was. And right there, at that place, God took over where I left off, and the story of our lives began to turn.
And He's still taking over. Even though two of my children have grown out of our home and one is trying her best to join them. He's still providing for our needs and showing me how to walk forward into an unknown tomorrow. He still IS, because I am not. And I'm still learning to let Him lead me. I'm still learning to be ME, and to be content with where things are today. And I'm learning, still, to just keep moving forward in blind obedience.
And even though life is sometimes hard and lonely, there is JOY in our home and gratitude in our hearts. Because the circumstances of life don't get to define us or dictate who we will become. We get to choose how we will react to them and we get to choose to be well in spite of them. The road has had some unexpected turns along the way and I suspect there will be more to come, so I make it a practice to daily set my attention on God's grace for just this one day, and then the next.
And I choose LIFE and a healthy heart and a peace-filled home....I choose to follow God wherever this unexpected journey takes me. Even when it hurts.
Even when all is not well in my life
It is well with my soul...
