For years people have asked me how I remain single and overcome the lonely desire and need for a mate. And, let’s be real...what they really mean is "You've been single for HOW long? How can you go so long without having sex?"
It’s a logical question. I’m not offended in the least. Because sometimes I ask myself the same question. So here is my best attempt at answering how to continue on {when all you really want is someone to sweep you off your feet, love you for you, and share the intimacies of life with}.
We were made for relationship. Most things work better in a pair. A “pair” is not a pair without both pieces. We can go into all the reasons why it is also good for someone to remain single- and there really are some- but that’s not my point here. The fact is, there are normal, natural desires that we all have when it comes to marriage and companionship, and it does no good to pretend they don’t exist.
So, what do you do when your desire is for marriage, but your present reality is long-term singleness {with NO good prospects in sight}?
There are lots of things you can do:
*Deny that you care
*Desperately make yourself available in every conceivable “meat market” {this includes actual Meat Markets, bars, churches, malls and the World Wide Web}
*Stay busy-don't think about it
*Lower your standards and date/marry the first man that asks
*Dress provocatively {good way to attract the creepers -if that’s what you’re into}
*Join your local feminist group {they’ll be all too happy to share with you the many reasons why you shouldn’t want or need a man in your life}
*Wrap up tightly in the fetal position and weep {this actually works, but it’s not recommended as a long-term solution}
*Gather all your single girlfriends and lament for hours about the pathetics of singleness
*Talk to a therapist
*Drink yourself into a stupor
*More crying
*Just breathe
*Plus a whole host of other things, but you get the idea...
The first few years that I was single were filled with a lot of grief, emotion, hurt, and pain. I was in no condition to even consider the possibility of another man in my life. My kids needed 100% of me and I needed time...years...to grow into the “new me”. God was drawing me out, away from the busyness of the outside world and calling me to focus on my kids’ hearts and minds. I homeschooled them for a few of those years, mainly because we needed time to heal as a family. They were painful years for us. But painful in a good way and for the health of our family unit, it was an invaluable time. I am so thankful for those re-forming years. They connected us like a team, and we are reaping the benefits of that today.
But, let’s face it, nothing says DON’T DATE ME like a limping woman with 3 wounded children tagging along behind. And don’t get me wrong {hey, kids, if you’re reading this- don’t miss this part!} I CHOSE TO STAY HOME WITH THEM....it had always been my heart’s desire to be home with my children. And they needed me more than ever back then. I always kind of knew that in choosing to focus on my kids, my own desires to remarry would probably not be fulfilled. This is not a decision I second-guess or wish I could go back and change. It was the right thing for me and I’m so thankful that God directed me to pull in tight and remain at home with my family.
I realize now, that just as much as my kids needed me, I also needed those years of slower-paced life to grow up into myself. I had spent years being someone’s wife and someone else’s mom...and I had no idea how to just be me. So I had another choice to make; fall apart or draw Strength.
Herein lies my formula for how I remain single and overcome the lonely moments and the desire for a mate...
I did a lot of journaling in those years. I still do, but not as faithfully. I hesitate to go back and read them because if I’m not careful, they can bring back a lot of forgotten pain. But, occasionally I do go back and read them because they are also a good reminder of all the ways that God was working in my heart to heal it, and strengthen it, and grow it towards Him.
I wrote a lot of things that make me laugh now, because in retrospect they really weren’t worth the stress or anxiety I let them be. But I also wrote {many times} about the struggle of wanting companionship and finding none. And I wrote about how the LORD was faithfully and consistently meeting all of my real needs. Sometimes it was just through a written word, sometimes it was through diverting my attention to what was good in my life and sometimes it was just to remind me that He understood.
It’s a logical question. I’m not offended in the least. Because sometimes I ask myself the same question. So here is my best attempt at answering how to continue on {when all you really want is someone to sweep you off your feet, love you for you, and share the intimacies of life with}.
We were made for relationship. Most things work better in a pair. A “pair” is not a pair without both pieces. We can go into all the reasons why it is also good for someone to remain single- and there really are some- but that’s not my point here. The fact is, there are normal, natural desires that we all have when it comes to marriage and companionship, and it does no good to pretend they don’t exist.
So, what do you do when your desire is for marriage, but your present reality is long-term singleness {with NO good prospects in sight}?
There are lots of things you can do:
*Deny that you care
*Desperately make yourself available in every conceivable “meat market” {this includes actual Meat Markets, bars, churches, malls and the World Wide Web}
*Stay busy-don't think about it
*Lower your standards and date/marry the first man that asks
*Dress provocatively {good way to attract the creepers -if that’s what you’re into}
*Join your local feminist group {they’ll be all too happy to share with you the many reasons why you shouldn’t want or need a man in your life}
*Wrap up tightly in the fetal position and weep {this actually works, but it’s not recommended as a long-term solution}
*Gather all your single girlfriends and lament for hours about the pathetics of singleness
*Talk to a therapist
*Drink yourself into a stupor
*More crying
*Just breathe
*Plus a whole host of other things, but you get the idea...
The first few years that I was single were filled with a lot of grief, emotion, hurt, and pain. I was in no condition to even consider the possibility of another man in my life. My kids needed 100% of me and I needed time...years...to grow into the “new me”. God was drawing me out, away from the busyness of the outside world and calling me to focus on my kids’ hearts and minds. I homeschooled them for a few of those years, mainly because we needed time to heal as a family. They were painful years for us. But painful in a good way and for the health of our family unit, it was an invaluable time. I am so thankful for those re-forming years. They connected us like a team, and we are reaping the benefits of that today.
But, let’s face it, nothing says DON’T DATE ME like a limping woman with 3 wounded children tagging along behind. And don’t get me wrong {hey, kids, if you’re reading this- don’t miss this part!} I CHOSE TO STAY HOME WITH THEM....it had always been my heart’s desire to be home with my children. And they needed me more than ever back then. I always kind of knew that in choosing to focus on my kids, my own desires to remarry would probably not be fulfilled. This is not a decision I second-guess or wish I could go back and change. It was the right thing for me and I’m so thankful that God directed me to pull in tight and remain at home with my family.
I realize now, that just as much as my kids needed me, I also needed those years of slower-paced life to grow up into myself. I had spent years being someone’s wife and someone else’s mom...and I had no idea how to just be me. So I had another choice to make; fall apart or draw Strength.
Herein lies my formula for how I remain single and overcome the lonely moments and the desire for a mate...
I did a lot of journaling in those years. I still do, but not as faithfully. I hesitate to go back and read them because if I’m not careful, they can bring back a lot of forgotten pain. But, occasionally I do go back and read them because they are also a good reminder of all the ways that God was working in my heart to heal it, and strengthen it, and grow it towards Him.
I wrote a lot of things that make me laugh now, because in retrospect they really weren’t worth the stress or anxiety I let them be. But I also wrote {many times} about the struggle of wanting companionship and finding none. And I wrote about how the LORD was faithfully and consistently meeting all of my real needs. Sometimes it was just through a written word, sometimes it was through diverting my attention to what was good in my life and sometimes it was just to remind me that He understood.
June 12, 2006
“He satisfieth the longing soul...
and filleth the hungry soul with goodness.” Ps 107:9
You know my heart and its longings and aches...no one else knows
even the least of it. Thank you for satisfying my soul’s longings-
not in the way I’ve dreamed up, but in the way that is ENOUGH. I’d
rather the longings would disappear- just go away. It does no good to
dwell on them, and yet they are always there...a part of who I am.
Satisfy me {this day.}..fill all the empty corners with who You are...
Show me that is ENOUGH today. Show me how to be satisfied WITHOUT.
And so I lived on. I learned to breathe deeply and live on. I laid my pleas out there to the LORD on that paper {so. many. sheets. of. paper.}. And I learned that He could handle my words of disappointment, tears and my fear of a future alone. I learned that God is enough. I poured over the scriptures and found Truth to help me live on. I claimed promises to get me through a day. And then found more the next day.
I learned to take my thought-life captive. And while I still had {have} days where I question the reason why I am still alone, I don’t let myself get stuck there. I divert my attention to something more valuable and day upon day I have found the Strength to thrive. Alone.
I don’t know what my future holds or if singleness is my life’s story. {Dear Lord, I hope not!} But what I do know is this- because I’ve lived it; whatever it is God requires of me, He promises to give me the strength to face it head on. My job is to have a right attitude and use that Strength and just live.
I think at the end of time we will find that we wasted a lot of time wanting things throughout our lives. Sometimes the things that we want are good and right and of pure motives. But if the time we wasted pining over these things is greater than the time we spent appreciating all the REST of the things....will we have lived our ONE life well?
So here it is, my best advice to those of you who are lamenting your single-status. Stop thinking about it. Stop letting it depress you. Stop trying so hard. Stop whining and just start LIVING YOUR LIFE where you are. Take your eyes off what you don’t have and choose to be thankful for what you DO have. Don’t waste these years away, open up your eyes and look around you for some way to make the most of your single years. Choose to change your thoughts; if you’ve spent more than a few consecutive moments wishing that you had a date or a mate {or whatever} then it’s time to start thinking about something else. Volunteer, read a book, write a book, explore, join a club, serve a meal at a shelter, make friends with a teenager or someone elderly, find a hobby...just do something that doesn’t involve sitting around wishing you had something that you don’t.
And ladies, please! For the love of all things holy, desperation is NOT attractive. Stop. Just stop yourselves!
There you go; my unprofessional, two cents worth of advice. Take it or leave it. If you choose to “leave it” and do it your own way, then more power to you. Go ahead- buy yourself an online profile, put on your teeny tiny outfit and head to the bar, or hang out at the local Meat Market. But dream on...I’m 100% sure you will not find the fulfillment you're looking for there.
Just ask Michael...
I learned to take my thought-life captive. And while I still had {have} days where I question the reason why I am still alone, I don’t let myself get stuck there. I divert my attention to something more valuable and day upon day I have found the Strength to thrive. Alone.
I don’t know what my future holds or if singleness is my life’s story. {Dear Lord, I hope not!} But what I do know is this- because I’ve lived it; whatever it is God requires of me, He promises to give me the strength to face it head on. My job is to have a right attitude and use that Strength and just live.
I think at the end of time we will find that we wasted a lot of time wanting things throughout our lives. Sometimes the things that we want are good and right and of pure motives. But if the time we wasted pining over these things is greater than the time we spent appreciating all the REST of the things....will we have lived our ONE life well?
So here it is, my best advice to those of you who are lamenting your single-status. Stop thinking about it. Stop letting it depress you. Stop trying so hard. Stop whining and just start LIVING YOUR LIFE where you are. Take your eyes off what you don’t have and choose to be thankful for what you DO have. Don’t waste these years away, open up your eyes and look around you for some way to make the most of your single years. Choose to change your thoughts; if you’ve spent more than a few consecutive moments wishing that you had a date or a mate {or whatever} then it’s time to start thinking about something else. Volunteer, read a book, write a book, explore, join a club, serve a meal at a shelter, make friends with a teenager or someone elderly, find a hobby...just do something that doesn’t involve sitting around wishing you had something that you don’t.
And ladies, please! For the love of all things holy, desperation is NOT attractive. Stop. Just stop yourselves!
There you go; my unprofessional, two cents worth of advice. Take it or leave it. If you choose to “leave it” and do it your own way, then more power to you. Go ahead- buy yourself an online profile, put on your teeny tiny outfit and head to the bar, or hang out at the local Meat Market. But dream on...I’m 100% sure you will not find the fulfillment you're looking for there.
Just ask Michael...
