This Spring marks 15 years of doing life alone as a single mom. That is a shocking number to me. I never imagined, all of those years ago, that I would be single for this long. God is good to only open our eyes to what is immediately in front of us and not to the future. I’m not sure how I would have made it if I had known in those early years that I would raise my children alone for this long. But day upon day, we survived, then we thrived...and here we are. Better for having been through some really dark days. Stronger for having had to admit we were too weak to go on in our own strength.
I journaled a lot in those early years. And going back through them now reveals a lot of desperation and fear. Page after page of asking, begging for GOD to be present and get us through another day.
After those first few emotional months passed and I was finally able to exhale, I began the long journey of pursuing healing and strength and self worth. So much had been stripped away all at once. But long before the crisis hit I had established that my Trust was in God. I’m thankful for having settled that before those dark days. And because of that, even though I had felt a great quaking in the foundation of my life, my Trust remained {mostly} steady. That can only be credited to who God is, and how present He was in our lives.
“He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart;
He gently leads those that have young.”
Isaiah 40:11
And HE did just that...day by day, He lead- and still does.
I quickly realized that my lifeline was in reading the Scriptures. It was my food, my sustenance. And it reminded me that even though I felt alone, I was not. And some days that was all I felt I had to cling to- this promise that He would lead me. And go before me.
"Such things were written in the Scriptures long ago to teach us. And the Scriptures give us hope and encouragement as we wait patiently for God's promises to be fulfilled."
Romans 15:4
Somewhere along the way, I read a paragraph in a book that changed me. I wish I could remember who the author was...I’d like to thank her. She, too, had walked the lonely journey of single parenthood. She understood me and spoke directly to the heart of my fears. In reference to my children who were without the consistent, positive presence of their father, she spoke to my fear of raising them to be healthy, well-rounded, God-following adults. And this is the crux of what she simply said;
“When God spoke of being the father to the fatherless and the husband to the husbandless, He meant it. So, be confident in asking Him to do the job of a father and a husband in your home- because He promised that He will. For instance, it is the husband and father’s job to lead, provide and protect his family. So ASK Him to step in and TRUST Him to replace what is lacking. He makes promises because He wants us to see His hand move,
to know His presence in our lives.”
And so, I started to learn...when my children got out of control and I was about to lose all sense of sanity, I would find myself {literally} crying out to God and saying, “GOD, you promise to be the father to the fatherless. It is the father’s job to help keep the peace and insert authority. HELP, I’m losing it here. I don’t know what else to do.” And always, without question the situation soon diffused itself. Some creative other-world-wisdom would come out of my mouth and it would be over. {And I’m ashamed to admit, I was often SURPRISED!}
I vividly remember a night that I could not shut a window in the basement of our old house. I did everything I could in my strength to shut it but it would not budge. I had my dad try it. My boys tried their growing muscles on the window, but to no avail. I must have tried and walked away a half dozen times, only to return with the same results. Finally, as night was falling and with visions of critters crawling in through it during the night , I made one last attempt. I cried out in my frustration “God, you promised to be my husband, and it’s the husband’s job to secure the house and keep his family safe, PLEASE, HELP ME.” And just like that, with the same effort I’d exerted previously, the window flew shut...and I stood in awe.
“Father to the fatherless, defender of widows--
this is God, whose dwelling is holy.”
Psalm 68:5
Those were years of deep sorrow and disappointment. But they left a mark of good things in our lives. I cannot imagine anything else that would have caused my kids and me to turn so desperately to God. Anything that would cause us to beg Him to show up in our lives and walk beside us. It was the pain and the broken hearts that had us seeking Him for the intricate details of our lives. It was the hard knowing that there was nowhere else to turn that caused us to lift our gaze upwards.
God was the Professor and He had me positioned in the front row of His classroom where I could hear Him best. He taught through His gentle Hand of Comfort and with words of Truth. And then He asked me to teach all that I was learning to my children. So that they, too, would be healed and find their Trust in Him.
“Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.”
Deuteronomy 6
So we took one day at a time. And we learned to {try to} focus only the next thing in front of us. And with eyes wide opened, we clung together- first out of fear and desperation, and then because we were a team and we had made it through, together.
“Because your steadfast love is better than life,
my lips will praise you.”
Psalm 63:3
"When God builds He emphasizes foundation. He knows what kind of beginning we need and lays His foundation in struggles of our formative years." T.D. Jakes
I journaled a lot in those early years. And going back through them now reveals a lot of desperation and fear. Page after page of asking, begging for GOD to be present and get us through another day.
After those first few emotional months passed and I was finally able to exhale, I began the long journey of pursuing healing and strength and self worth. So much had been stripped away all at once. But long before the crisis hit I had established that my Trust was in God. I’m thankful for having settled that before those dark days. And because of that, even though I had felt a great quaking in the foundation of my life, my Trust remained {mostly} steady. That can only be credited to who God is, and how present He was in our lives.
“He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart;
He gently leads those that have young.”
Isaiah 40:11
And HE did just that...day by day, He lead- and still does.
I quickly realized that my lifeline was in reading the Scriptures. It was my food, my sustenance. And it reminded me that even though I felt alone, I was not. And some days that was all I felt I had to cling to- this promise that He would lead me. And go before me.
"Such things were written in the Scriptures long ago to teach us. And the Scriptures give us hope and encouragement as we wait patiently for God's promises to be fulfilled."
Romans 15:4
Somewhere along the way, I read a paragraph in a book that changed me. I wish I could remember who the author was...I’d like to thank her. She, too, had walked the lonely journey of single parenthood. She understood me and spoke directly to the heart of my fears. In reference to my children who were without the consistent, positive presence of their father, she spoke to my fear of raising them to be healthy, well-rounded, God-following adults. And this is the crux of what she simply said;
“When God spoke of being the father to the fatherless and the husband to the husbandless, He meant it. So, be confident in asking Him to do the job of a father and a husband in your home- because He promised that He will. For instance, it is the husband and father’s job to lead, provide and protect his family. So ASK Him to step in and TRUST Him to replace what is lacking. He makes promises because He wants us to see His hand move,
to know His presence in our lives.”
And so, I started to learn...when my children got out of control and I was about to lose all sense of sanity, I would find myself {literally} crying out to God and saying, “GOD, you promise to be the father to the fatherless. It is the father’s job to help keep the peace and insert authority. HELP, I’m losing it here. I don’t know what else to do.” And always, without question the situation soon diffused itself. Some creative other-world-wisdom would come out of my mouth and it would be over. {And I’m ashamed to admit, I was often SURPRISED!}
I vividly remember a night that I could not shut a window in the basement of our old house. I did everything I could in my strength to shut it but it would not budge. I had my dad try it. My boys tried their growing muscles on the window, but to no avail. I must have tried and walked away a half dozen times, only to return with the same results. Finally, as night was falling and with visions of critters crawling in through it during the night , I made one last attempt. I cried out in my frustration “God, you promised to be my husband, and it’s the husband’s job to secure the house and keep his family safe, PLEASE, HELP ME.” And just like that, with the same effort I’d exerted previously, the window flew shut...and I stood in awe.
“Father to the fatherless, defender of widows--
this is God, whose dwelling is holy.”
Psalm 68:5
Those were years of deep sorrow and disappointment. But they left a mark of good things in our lives. I cannot imagine anything else that would have caused my kids and me to turn so desperately to God. Anything that would cause us to beg Him to show up in our lives and walk beside us. It was the pain and the broken hearts that had us seeking Him for the intricate details of our lives. It was the hard knowing that there was nowhere else to turn that caused us to lift our gaze upwards.
God was the Professor and He had me positioned in the front row of His classroom where I could hear Him best. He taught through His gentle Hand of Comfort and with words of Truth. And then He asked me to teach all that I was learning to my children. So that they, too, would be healed and find their Trust in Him.
“Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.”
Deuteronomy 6
So we took one day at a time. And we learned to {try to} focus only the next thing in front of us. And with eyes wide opened, we clung together- first out of fear and desperation, and then because we were a team and we had made it through, together.
“Because your steadfast love is better than life,
my lips will praise you.”
Psalm 63:3
"When God builds He emphasizes foundation. He knows what kind of beginning we need and lays His foundation in struggles of our formative years." T.D. Jakes
