Another beautiful wedding ceremony complete, I walk into the decked out reception hall dateless, yet again, pick up my name card and sit down amongst a few other “single” attendees, obviously by design of the hosts who hope the love bug might just bite tonight. The lights dim, the DJ announces that it is time for the traditional “who’s been married longest dance”. All of a sudden it feels as if a neon arrow is buzzing above my head announcing to the guests who are leaving their seats in droves: “Excuse me, please direct your attention to Table 10! She’s still single!".
While I am truly overjoyed for my friends who have tied the knot or are on their way to, every year deep down inside I cannot help but dread the first of June, and pray extra hard that I make it through one more round of slow dances.
I wish I could say that I have always been positive about my relationship
status, or lack thereof, but truth be told, I am a young woman with plenty of emotions at the ready, and contentedness is not necessarily always the first one that I choose to express. The still-alive fairytale that is created for us by movies and story books has invited me to dream of having a muscle-bulging stud with whom I enjoy 2.5 kids and a white picket fence surrounding a perfectly painted house in suburbia. Not to mention balancing that all flawlessly with a successful career and an Ann Taylor wardrobe. Variations of that dream may might materialize (although I’m not sure what .5 of a child looks like), but I have arrived at the place where my dream does not have to match up to what society has portrayed as the perfect reality (that only really exists in studios in California). I still want to meet the man of my dreams and have two or three (whole) children. I’ll take a picket fence if the price is right, but more importantly I want joy to be my circumference whether those dreams come true or not.
To all my single ladies out there, may I present the words to the world you have so often wanted to suggest (or at times, SHOUT) and to the kind-hearted aunts, mothers, and well-meaning married or taken girlfriends, let these few words help you in knowing what NOT to say when you are amongst those gals that are single:
“You are such a great girl! Oh honey, why in the world are you still single?”
When this question is posed to me, I usually just respond with one of those fake, uneasy laughs that come out because you haven’t a clue how to answer such a ridiculous question cloaked in flattery! The listing of all of my charming qualities does lift my spirit a little, I have to admit, but I start to question whether my charming qualities are really “charming enough”. And if we’re being honest, we women already spend enough time thinking about our characteristics and measuring them up against one another. So please, do not ask the million dollar question about why we are single, because it’s almost as unanswerable as the question “You’re so ugly, how did you ever get married?” (We would NEVER ask that, even if we wonder it).
“You are just SO lucky that you are single. Even though I am (dating,married,engaged) and I just remember how great it was being single. Do not take it for granted!”
I cannot count how many friends have said this very statement to me in the most sincere and loving way possible. My response is always the same: “Well, if you loved being single so much, break up with your boyfriend, fiancé, husband then.” Blank stares usually follow after that statement and I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs, “You seriously think that you are being encouraging right now?!” I assume that when you are with someone, the single life seems so thrilling and carefree, and it definitely can be. It also can be really lonely and boring. Telling me that I am lucky to be single when you know it’s a title I look forward to losing someday is not helpful.
“Guys are just intimidated by you. You have a job, a car, a place to live, you take care of yourself, you’re funny. I’m telling you they are just threatened by you.”
When this statement is directed towards me, the song that instantly pops into my head is the classic by Paula Cole, “Where Have all the Cowboys Gone?” But really. Where? Since when did things like having a job, going to school, having a car, become intimidating to men, or something out of the ordinary? Have we not left the 1950’s? Surely we all know by now a woman should not feel the need to be less successful, or less independent just to be appealing to a man. I refuse to shrink back from where I am just because a guy may think I am ahead of him, or out of his league. We need men that are confident enough to ask a successful, driven woman out on a date! Friends, peers, and role models, please encourage the women in your life to dream big, to go on adventures, and to live to their fullest potential, because no guy is worth diminishing your dreams and ambition for.
“I have someone you should meet...”
People, do not set us up with men that you would not date. For those in my shoes, if you feel apprehension because the one trying to set you up doesn’t even really know you, trust your God-given gut! Say "yes" if you wish or have a hunch you should, but also remember you have the right to say “thanks but noooo thanks!”. Settling is NEVER and should NEVER be an option! That being said, for those who love to be matchmakers, thank you for wanting to help, but err on the side of caution with the men you are setting us up with. Know us well before you set us up.
“Well right now you can better yourself, work out all your flaws, be focused on you. Be thankful for that opportunity."
This statement is one that irks me most deeply. It is true that while we are single there is more time to evolve into the women God has purposed us to be, yet isn’t this a lifelong process? Just because you want to be a mother, does God wait to send a child your way until you’re perfectly maternal in every way? This message is preached to single women all the time, especially Christian single women and it creates a sense of this necessary striving that must take place before God will reward us with the man we desire to love. Since when do we have to be perfect for ANY good relationship in our lives? God is a not a genie in a bottle, He does not grant our wishes simply because we’ve fixed all of our issues, because we will always have issues. I want a man who loves me for me, the virtues and the vices. I am still terrified of cooking chicken because I don’t want someone to walk away from my house with Salmonella poisoning. I hate ironing and doing dishes. My thoughts are all over the place that sometimes I wonder if I should be tested for adult ADD. I am always wanting to go on an adventure. I can be messy at times. I am a terrible money saver. I really wish I had a stricter workout plan. All these are things that make me, me. Some could argue that they are my flaws, but naivety or not, I believe someone will love me for (or in spite of) every single one of them someday.
Being single is not a curse. It has allowed me the opportunity to experience pretty incredible things and to go on adventures I will treasure for the rest of my life. Without serious commitment a lot of great things can happen, but being single also can really stink and be quite lonely at times. Next time you are tempted to utter one of the well-meaning phrases I have listed above, try something different. Ask that interesting woman out to coffee, ask her questions about what is actually going on in her life BESIDES the dateless Saturday nights. Embrace friendship with women who aren’t in your age group, or share the same relationship status as you! Or, perhaps if you aren't swaying to Michael Buble with your man during the next wedding reception, find that woman who is watching from the sidelines and pull up a chair to find out where her adventures are taking her.
I wish I could say that I have always been positive about my relationship
status, or lack thereof, but truth be told, I am a young woman with plenty of emotions at the ready, and contentedness is not necessarily always the first one that I choose to express. The still-alive fairytale that is created for us by movies and story books has invited me to dream of having a muscle-bulging stud with whom I enjoy 2.5 kids and a white picket fence surrounding a perfectly painted house in suburbia. Not to mention balancing that all flawlessly with a successful career and an Ann Taylor wardrobe. Variations of that dream may might materialize (although I’m not sure what .5 of a child looks like), but I have arrived at the place where my dream does not have to match up to what society has portrayed as the perfect reality (that only really exists in studios in California). I still want to meet the man of my dreams and have two or three (whole) children. I’ll take a picket fence if the price is right, but more importantly I want joy to be my circumference whether those dreams come true or not.
To all my single ladies out there, may I present the words to the world you have so often wanted to suggest (or at times, SHOUT) and to the kind-hearted aunts, mothers, and well-meaning married or taken girlfriends, let these few words help you in knowing what NOT to say when you are amongst those gals that are single:
“You are such a great girl! Oh honey, why in the world are you still single?”
When this question is posed to me, I usually just respond with one of those fake, uneasy laughs that come out because you haven’t a clue how to answer such a ridiculous question cloaked in flattery! The listing of all of my charming qualities does lift my spirit a little, I have to admit, but I start to question whether my charming qualities are really “charming enough”. And if we’re being honest, we women already spend enough time thinking about our characteristics and measuring them up against one another. So please, do not ask the million dollar question about why we are single, because it’s almost as unanswerable as the question “You’re so ugly, how did you ever get married?” (We would NEVER ask that, even if we wonder it).
“You are just SO lucky that you are single. Even though I am (dating,married,engaged) and I just remember how great it was being single. Do not take it for granted!”
I cannot count how many friends have said this very statement to me in the most sincere and loving way possible. My response is always the same: “Well, if you loved being single so much, break up with your boyfriend, fiancé, husband then.” Blank stares usually follow after that statement and I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs, “You seriously think that you are being encouraging right now?!” I assume that when you are with someone, the single life seems so thrilling and carefree, and it definitely can be. It also can be really lonely and boring. Telling me that I am lucky to be single when you know it’s a title I look forward to losing someday is not helpful.
“Guys are just intimidated by you. You have a job, a car, a place to live, you take care of yourself, you’re funny. I’m telling you they are just threatened by you.”
When this statement is directed towards me, the song that instantly pops into my head is the classic by Paula Cole, “Where Have all the Cowboys Gone?” But really. Where? Since when did things like having a job, going to school, having a car, become intimidating to men, or something out of the ordinary? Have we not left the 1950’s? Surely we all know by now a woman should not feel the need to be less successful, or less independent just to be appealing to a man. I refuse to shrink back from where I am just because a guy may think I am ahead of him, or out of his league. We need men that are confident enough to ask a successful, driven woman out on a date! Friends, peers, and role models, please encourage the women in your life to dream big, to go on adventures, and to live to their fullest potential, because no guy is worth diminishing your dreams and ambition for.
“I have someone you should meet...”
People, do not set us up with men that you would not date. For those in my shoes, if you feel apprehension because the one trying to set you up doesn’t even really know you, trust your God-given gut! Say "yes" if you wish or have a hunch you should, but also remember you have the right to say “thanks but noooo thanks!”. Settling is NEVER and should NEVER be an option! That being said, for those who love to be matchmakers, thank you for wanting to help, but err on the side of caution with the men you are setting us up with. Know us well before you set us up.
“Well right now you can better yourself, work out all your flaws, be focused on you. Be thankful for that opportunity."
This statement is one that irks me most deeply. It is true that while we are single there is more time to evolve into the women God has purposed us to be, yet isn’t this a lifelong process? Just because you want to be a mother, does God wait to send a child your way until you’re perfectly maternal in every way? This message is preached to single women all the time, especially Christian single women and it creates a sense of this necessary striving that must take place before God will reward us with the man we desire to love. Since when do we have to be perfect for ANY good relationship in our lives? God is a not a genie in a bottle, He does not grant our wishes simply because we’ve fixed all of our issues, because we will always have issues. I want a man who loves me for me, the virtues and the vices. I am still terrified of cooking chicken because I don’t want someone to walk away from my house with Salmonella poisoning. I hate ironing and doing dishes. My thoughts are all over the place that sometimes I wonder if I should be tested for adult ADD. I am always wanting to go on an adventure. I can be messy at times. I am a terrible money saver. I really wish I had a stricter workout plan. All these are things that make me, me. Some could argue that they are my flaws, but naivety or not, I believe someone will love me for (or in spite of) every single one of them someday.
Being single is not a curse. It has allowed me the opportunity to experience pretty incredible things and to go on adventures I will treasure for the rest of my life. Without serious commitment a lot of great things can happen, but being single also can really stink and be quite lonely at times. Next time you are tempted to utter one of the well-meaning phrases I have listed above, try something different. Ask that interesting woman out to coffee, ask her questions about what is actually going on in her life BESIDES the dateless Saturday nights. Embrace friendship with women who aren’t in your age group, or share the same relationship status as you! Or, perhaps if you aren't swaying to Michael Buble with your man during the next wedding reception, find that woman who is watching from the sidelines and pull up a chair to find out where her adventures are taking her.
Meredith Powell is finishing her long-time coming degree in elementary education at a private college in Lancaster, PA where she lives among the Amish but accessorizes like she lives
in Manhattan. She likes her coffee dark and strong, just like the man she looks forward to meeting when they are both ready to take each other on.
in Manhattan. She likes her coffee dark and strong, just like the man she looks forward to meeting when they are both ready to take each other on.
